you gotta do it body soul and mind ~ but its for your heart

Last post on the 17th of September.
Next weigh-in on the 1st of October.
All my good intentions somehow dissolved in the midst of busy-ness, and stress.
Darn!
Why does that happen?

Okay ... so, on Saturday, when I sucked it up and weighed in - I was up.
Not proud of that.
However, the lecture is what I needed again, and well - this is another week.

Susan talked about "enjoying the journey" and "you have to be your OWN director!!"  remember the title of my last post??  Seems I didn't take it to heart!!
ANYHOW .. here are some of her timely quotes at the lecture:

"You have to know WHY you are doing what you are doing"
"What are the benefits?"
"You have to care for yourself!"
"Success comes from your own personal journey!"
"Be YOU ~ Be Genuine ~ Be honest ~ BE GOOD TO YOU!"
"If you want to lose weight ~ you gotta do it body, soul and mind but it's actually for your HEART!"

hmmm..... this woman speaks things that resonate with this heart!!

Here are my thoughts to the above quotes:
On my cell phone, I have a greeting on the front, and there I wrote these words "REMEMBER WHY" and they are exactly there to remind me why I am trying to stay on the journey of weight loss.  WHY I am doing what I am doing and the benefits are almost the same things:

• to live longer (Lord Willing) due to adopting a healthier life style
• having more time to spend with my grand kids, and being able to run/walk/chase/lift/play with them and being around to see them grow up
• to feel better about myself - physically, emotionally, and mentally.  Socially too - as perhaps then I will feel like going out more.
• to look better (okay I really really want to get out of the plus size clothing, the baggy look)
• to reduce my risks of breast cancer, diabetes, heart disease etc...  this all runs in my family
• to be a good role model

Yes, I know that I have to care for myself.  The other day I heard that mothers often put themselves last.  And I agree with that - there are other people to care for.  But as Alvin says, if I get sick - I won't be able to care for anyone anyway so I really need to put myself and my needs first.  (easier said than done!)

Success comes from my own personal journey - totally agree.  No one put the weight ON me ... so I have to take it OFF myself too.  BUT I love the support of family, and friends walking the same road!

Which is why I like Weight Watchers - as we are all there for the same reasons.  We get one another!

Be honest - genuine - hmmm... think this includes putting that cake pop down on the tracker!  Who am I really trying to fool?  Only myself.  And that doesn't work anyhow.  


Bottom line - I have to invest fully in this journey - and know that it may be a long journey - may be alot of walking uphill - or perhaps slipping a few steps back.  The journey is not easy.  I know that from past experience.  I do know that God can be and IS my strength if I Trust him with this part of my life.  Do I?  O Lord, I want to.  


I sometimes think that it has really become a spiritual struggle - mixed up with the physical one.  Don't know quite how to explain that other than that is how it feels.  When I am in the Word, and getting my daily bread from the Lord - I am not struggling (as much) but then there are some days when it feels like everything has broken loose and those days do not feel good!


Ultimately it affects my heart (spiritually) and my heart (physically)
So Lord, I give you my life again, laying down my struggle with weight, and ask for your guidance, your direction on this journey - as long and hard and uphill as it may be.  May I walk with my hand tightly in yours!  Amen.

"I am the boss of Me!"

So, I have had a full week, including an out of town mobile with my job - which meant I was out of town, in a hotel for night, and not at home where I could plan the next meal.  That being said - it was a good time away and things were written down in my food journal - and I planned what I would put into my mouth INCLUDING the mini cupcake and piece of cake that the volunteer made for us to enjoy.  It actually helped the sugar crave!

I really worked hard at keeping myself accountable - and at writing things down.  HOWEVER I was somewhat lacking in the exercise department - that on top of being sick with a head/chest cold meant there was definitely more down time than exercise time!

I wanted to get back into checking into the meeting at the church on Monday night - but I found myself back at the Moore Center on Thursday night.  I was worried that the week was not going to work for a weigh - in due to the fact that my shifts were all over the place.  But Thursday worked for me.  So there I went.  It was weird because I knew I had had a good week - but I was still nervous to weigh in.

Up the steps I went - I was a little late - the lecture had already begun.  One of the women behind the counter came and weighed me in and to my great delight - and I will admit to my surprise - I was down 4.4 lbs.  WOOHOO.... the person weighing me in gave me a nice star and was so encouraging.  I am happy to loose 1-2 lbs per week - or worst case scenario, to remain the same.  But this was such a delightful surprise!!

I sat down then, and joined into the lecture.  The lecturer is very very (did I say VERY) energetic.  I think she said she has lost 75 lbs.  I sat there and listened and was just basking in the results - because you see I have not been down to this number on the scale in a very very long time!!  With weight watchers (ups and downs) I have only now lost 4.4 but I had lost a few pounds just prior to signing up again with WW so in all I have lost about 9.  I am thrilled.

This week's W.W. "weekly" had an article called "You're the Boss of You!"  The lecture was "how important is weight loss to me?"  and "what does working at it 100% look like?"  The bottom line is that giving the journey 100% means a number of things such as ACTIVITY, PORTION CONTROL, PLANNING and TRACKING FOOD CHOICES, and adopting GOOD HEALTH GUIDELINES and about DRINKING WATER.

Her challenge to us was :  This week - make sure you follow the guidelines 100% on a minimum of 4 days including at least 1 day from the weekend.  AND reflect on how things went!  I figure I can do this - AND I hope I have a great weigh in again this coming week!  I just feel like if I can keep going - and heading in the right direction - once I get the momentum, I will be unstoppable!  This is my hope!!  Weigh-in here I come!!

self defeat ~ WHY?

This is what I wrote in my weight watchers TRACKER book on August 29th:  "be careful, this is usually when you fall off the wagon"

So why is it that I know my hard weeks - (usually around week 3) but somehow still self-destruct!  It is the strangest and most frustrating thing that I know something and yet I continue to self defeat!  What the heck is all that about?

August 29th was a bit over a week ago - and since then, well to say it was a struggle would not be completely accurate.  To say that all caution was thrown to the wind would be more like it!  It is embarrassing.  Really really embarrassing.  To be so honest about such a stronghold in my life!  I often think that there are very real similarities between my struggle with food, and another person's struggle with their "addiction".  Food is just a little more acceptable.  OR, IS IT?

Is it acceptable to be overweight.  As much as I would like to say yes, coming from one who is "morbidly obese" (yes, doesn't that just have a "ring" to it!) ... I think that even though it is my struggle and mine alone ... it is also the struggle of many of us.  Funny thing is - whether we want to admit it or not - people do pass judgment on those who are overweight/obese.   I will admit that people think that those who are carrying too much weight are just not trying hard enough.  (so AM I TRYING ?  or am I just fooling myself!)

I am just really feeling down.  BUT my friend just told me to "take courage" and so I have decided to do just that... and once again, will give it to God and hopefully try not to take it back right away.  Why do I do that?  It is certainly not because I think I can better!  Because obviously I am not.  In fact - if I had just saved all the money that I have spent on Weight Watchers, etc... I could probably afford a "diet surgery" if you know what I mean!  But that is not teaching me anything and besides, I would never do that.

I am glad that I am not giving up and just laying down!  I am glad that I still want to get up one more time than I have fallen off!  I am glad that God has not given up on me - even if I self destruct at three weeks!

Tonight at WW (after my weigh in - where I was up the amount that I had lost) the lecturer said something and I wrote it down - because it is true.

"although no one can go and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending"  - unknown

In other words - crying over the past does not change my past (in the weight loss department) however - I can bring change to it ... and end well! and healthier! and weigh less!
This is my desire.  O Lord - somehow I am not learning how to give it all to you - but please help me to .... I am so tired of the same old problem!!  Lord, please help me - change me - give me strength.  Amen


ps
so .... after I posted this - up pops an ad for WEIGHT LOSS BANDS .... honestly?

August 22 - weigh in

Last night I arrived early for my weigh-in.  Susan was not there, and I already knew that I would not be able to stay for the lecture anyhow as I had an impromptu babysitting of my grandson, and well I know my priorities!!  (BIG SMILE!!)  So, I got in line, to wait for my turn on the scale.  I knew I would be down, but okay, I will admit - I was a little disappointed.  The scale went back and forth and finally settled - down .2 of a pound.  In some ways that sounds like splitting straws doesn't it!!  HOWEVER ... in this weight loss journey - I will celebrate every pound and POINT WHATEVER of a pound that I have!!  So, I am thankful.  This makes 2.20 lbs.

As I drove away to go get my little sweetheart Ev, I was recalling the week and realized there were still times when I ate food choices that could have been a little better.  I am still craving salty!!  The other thing is fruit and veggies are unlimited and free (for the most part) on the new WW plan - and I am loving that - BUT really have to step up on the veggies!!

SO... this week - I am ready - bring it on!  Perhaps I can have a 2 lb loss next week - O LORD, you are my strength!! I commit this week to you.

August 15 - weigh in

Monday "Weigh In" day ~ and I arrived with excitement.  I knew that I had a good week - and that I just succumbed to some bad choices while I was at the lake.  It is stupid, but somehow when I get to the lake - I feel hungry!  AND sometimes I just find myself eating things that are salty and great tasting but not the best choices.  (who knew that Baby Back Rib flavored potato chips would taste so good!)  And, I also found myself sampling (again and again) the Brownie that I asked my daughter to make "for supper".  Was I really just setting myself up for bad choices?  I am thinking yes.

Anyhow there I was - signed in and in line for the weigh-in.  I am not sure why I need someone else to weigh me, but I do.  I like the accountability perhaps.  I also know that I am really liking the way Susan speaks during the class.  She is just so positive and so encouraging and so "not letting you off the hook" in her approach and yet you never feel like a failure!

On Monday night - there was once again a full room of people - all there for the same reason.  We were listening to her every word, and taking it in.  We laughed.  We agreed.  A couple things she said that inspired me were:

• on our discussion about using the 49 extra points per week.  "TREAT YOURSELF ~ use the 49 POINTS, but PLAN what you will eat!"
• make sure you have protein in your meals.  "IF THERE IS NO PROTEIN ~ LEAVE IT BEHIND!"  
• "BEHAVIOUR CHANGE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF WEIGHT CONTROL" in talking about what we eat but the changes we make for life being the important ones!!
• "OUR JOURNEY HAS TO BE FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT" on talking about weight loss journey and our lives!
• and the one that really resonated with me "SOME OF OUR JOURNEY IS MADE UP OF OUR OWN SELF DEFEAT!"

UGH.... how does she know!  How does she know that I struggle with self - defeat.  How does she know that I go great-guns for a while and then slowly peter out and then have to re-boot and then a week or two later lose the steam again ... and end up sabotaging myself one way or another!  HOW DOES SHE KNOW??

Well - she knows because she has been there.  She has lost weight.  She has fought the hard journey of weight loss and still journey's and always will.  She knows and has lived through it to talk to us about it and encourage us!  Phew .... what credibility!

Anyhow - my goals were in 15 increments of 5 and I am down 2 lbs toward the first 5!!  This week is going to be a good one!  The pedometer is on (sometimes I have forgotten to wear it so missed out on some good steps!) I will make good choices.  I am looking to the Lord for my strength and for my hope because I know He IS my strength and I can do all things through Him.  He has said it - I just have to grab on, lay my own stuff down, and give it all to Him, and do my part in being committed to a healthier way of living!

that is all for now ... 

August 10 ~ day 2

Okay, it is day 2 and today I fought some cravings.  Nothing in particular - just was hungry.  So since I was not going to be home yet, I made a good choice in picking out a high fibre granola bar - oats with peanut butter, and had a fruit smoothie which tied me over nicely!

My grandson and I went for a long walk today - he rode in the stroller and I pushed.  I stuck my pedometer on first thing this morning.  I realize that it will also add up any steps around the house and I am fine with that.  I am relatively sedentary and so we (Alvin and I) are going to do a reward program!  This was all MY idea.  When I hear that I should have 10,000 steps a day - it makes me quiver.  You have to know that I am not walking any where NEAR that on a regular basis ... SO I have to literally "STEP UP" to the task!

SO for week 1 - I will make the goal to be a total of 4000 per day = 4000 x 5 days (if I walk every day - that is a bonus right?)  TOTAL for a week - 20,000

The first "REWARD" will be at 100,000 steps.
Hmmm.... what should the reward be?  Any ideas?
I am thinking that the Riverstone Spa may have some great ideas!

100,000steps .... here I come.  I know it doesn't sound like much to those of you who are walkers, but hey - it is a start for me!

(I am checking in - and just took my pedometer reading for today and it is:  12,890 
WOO HOO  total yesterday and today, 10,566 + 12890 = (drumroll please!) 23,456!!

Recap from today - August 9

I began today full of optimism and hope.  It is always this way when I rejoin WW and get going again.  And, that is good!  I had wanted to preplan the day - and what I would be eating, but the thing was, I was going to be eating out for two of the meals.  SO I would just have to make the best choice out of the eating out opportunity.

I began the day, committing it, and my weight struggle/journey to the Lord.  That for me, is the best thing ever!  To give my day to the One who gives me the strength to take each minute - each hour - each day.  One day at a time!

I have decided a few things - basically I want to get back on the band wagon in a couple areas: drinking my water, following the WW plan to the best of my ability, and exercising.

I have just finished my smoothie (made Alvin and I both one when we got home).  SOOOOO yummy:
1 frozen banana, about a cup of frozen strawberries, 5 slices of canned peaches, 1/4 cup plain yogurt, some stevia to sweeten and some water!  SO good and all except the yogurt - the fruit is free!!  (Love the new ww plan!)

Now I am going to head to bed.  I am pumped that my day got off to a good start!  YOOOHOOOOO!


EXERCISED:
Curves - 30 minutes

Pedometer (which I only put on at 3 pm HOWEVER - I logged 10,566 steps by walking with my daughter Ashley, and then tonight walking a long way with my friend Betty!!

How do I feel today:  happy!!

Thank you Lord for your strength today!  Thank you.
I am now off to sleep!!

picking myself up, dusting myself off ... again

questions that constantly boing around in my mind are:

• how many times can I get up when I fall...
• how many times can I dust myself off
• will I ever do it
• and when

the answers to the above are:

• Lord willing I will get up EVERY time I fall
• I will continue to dust myself off and walk straight
• Only God knows if I will ever do it but I believe that with HIS help, I WILL
• as to when ~ oh Lord, may it be this time!!

Tonight I walked into Weight Watcher's at a different site, with a different lecturer. Normally I go to the site at the hotel on Tuesdays, but I needed to regroup and begin again tonight.  I just needed to.  NO IT COULD NOT WAIT A DAY!

You see, I joined again a number of weeks ago, but then I got sick and didn't go, so I was UP ... and then I went and I was DOWN and then I have missed the last few (3) weeks and I am UP (can you see a continual pattern in this!)

While I waited for my turn at the scale. I was wondering "what am I going to say"...

I got up there, and she greeted me and asked me how I was.

"Much better now that I am back" was my reply.

"You are back and that is what counts" was her response.  

I went and sat down in the basement of the church, and looked around.  FOR SURE there were 50 people.  50 people like me ... struggling with 1 - 2- 10 - 30 - 50 - 75 + lbs, and all on the same journey - and there for the same reasons even though we represented young - old - older .... youth - women and men.  

The lecturer got up and I could not believe it when I walked out of there and realize that she talked for at least 45 minutes.  I have never heard SUSAN before, but I certainly know WHY she is a lecturer for weight watchers.  Some of what she said struck many chords within me.  And it was obvious she struck others as well.  The thing I noticed is that she was so positive.  "So you goofed up - just get back to making good choices. "

Here are some things that stuck a chord with me:

"no food is evil ~ but there are just better choices"

"plan to be successful and organize yourself"

"when you make good choices - you have to realize/look at how much better you feel!"

"forget about LOSING WEIGHT and just commit to GETTING HEALTHY"

"we have to be able to manage and maintain to the best of our ability"

"the journey should be filled with happiness"

I walked out of there feeling like "yes"  "I can do it"

I want to quit looking back.

I know you have heard me saying these same things before ...

that I want to give it all to God

that I want to shed the weight with HIS help

that I want to "die to self"

that I am tired of the battle

yes, yes, yes and YES

you have heard me speak it

Lord Willing, finally you will see me do it, with God's help.

I realize I am posting this very early on Tuesday morning, but I just can't sleep yet, so with this I will shut down the computer and get to bed.  With God's help "I can scale a mountain" it says in the Bible.

This IS a pretty big mountain - about 75 lbs worth of mountain.

Let's see.... if I lose 5 LBS a month - that will take me to October of 2012.  Totally doable. However I realize that I need to take it one hour at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time.  IF ONLY I COULD JUST LOSE 10 LBS ... it will feel like I have begun!  It is up to me - to keep giving it to God and to keep doing what I can to the best of my ability.  O Lord, please be my strength.  I think that often God must wonder why I cry over the same pounds (and have been crying over them for years).  I think he often must wonder why I keep running to food instead of him.

I really want to crack this code!!  And again I ask, O Lord, please be my strength.

NOW with that - I am going to sleep ... will write down some of my daily decisions later when I get up.

getting back on the wagon ~ yet again

So for today...

I want to eat more greens, enjoy more summer sweet fruit, and walk!

Lord, please help me.
I gotta get going!

finding my "want to" as Lisa puts it

So, as I said I think a day or few ago - I am on the upward again.  Having restarted my weight journey again.  Seemed with so much happening - the last thing I was dealing with or trying to work with - was my weight.  I have often said that I feel it is a "spiritual" battle and never could quite explain it, just had that strong strong sense.  I still believe so - and have found Lisa TerKeurst's book "Made to Crave" (satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food) to finally be putting words to my feelings. 

When she first talked in her introduction about finding the "want to" verses "you must, you should" language - I could really relate to her about standing in a store holding diet books in your hand and having the thoughts that swirl around your head.  Thing is - I keep saying "I really want to" (emphasis and take not - on the word "really") and yet it only seems to be "really" until I am stressed, tired, hurt, happy, angry, you name the emotion and it works for all of them.  It is at that point that I toss the "really want to" out of the window and grab the fudge that is for sale on the aisle by the tills in Walmart!  Yes... I said fudge.

She is honest and actually says how much she weighs.  I will be honest with you and say - I am not going to tell you yet.  There is still some pride left in me.  Just know that I can easily stand to weigh 75 lbs LESS than I do now, and NOT be a stick!  Really.  Honestly. 

I realize that the issue with weight - the physical is only the outward manifestation of a bigger thing inside of me - that runs through the mental/spiritual/emotional parts of my being.  I am getting that.  I will be honest to say that I am really good at justifying what I eat, when I eat and why I eat.  I am also very good at making excuses (well, I didn't bring my lunch cause I didn't have time, or I am too tired to cook etc)

Lisa talks about the story in the Bible about the rich young man coming to Jesus and he wants to know what to do to get closer to God.  And Jesus tells him what to do ... thing is - the rich young man was so full with his material wealth and as Lisa writes "he can't see how undernourished his soul is."  Then she talks about how we can say "I'm not rich.  Good thing it doesn't apply to me.  Good thing Jesus doesn't ask me to sacrifice in this way." 

But.... if Jesus was right here looking me in the eye - and asked me to give up the one thing I desire/crave more than him - what would I say... what would I do.... what would come to my mind.  Hmmm...
It kind of makes me squirm.

I know that some people don't want to make weight issues into things that are spiritual.  But I have really seen what I do know deep down - that my cravings for food when I am especially emotionally fragile - actually become things I run to for comfort... so WHY don't I run to him before my stomach is full?

Let me tell you - these thoughts only came out of her INTRO to the book.  I am a few chapters ahead already but continue to think back on the ones before.  I want to make the connection.  I really want to make sure I "get it" and can claim the victory HE has for me.  Yes... even in the weight department. 

Oh Lord - you are my strength.  Help me to crave YOU!!!

made to crave

another restart

the struggle continues
year after year
promise after promise
tear after tear
re commitment after re commitment

seems "i fall off the wagon"
more than I ride on the wagon (so to speak)

but today I have been wondering
and I think that
I would much rather keep getting back "on the wagon"
regardless of how many times i fall off
because by getting up "one more time"
it means that I have NOT consigned myself to being overweight

so
with that bit of info
i declare this a "restart"

yes
I have dusted myself off one more time
and pulled up my socks
and in the morning will pack my lunch for the date
and get on with life

God please give me the strength to make a new start again
Lord, you are so gracious!
You never give up on me
even if sometimes I get close to giving up on myself!

how do you say restart in another way?

the fact that I have not posted on either of my blogs in a while - is not a good thing.
life has been overflowing
and just when I think I have it "all together" is usually when it spins apart
it is usually a combination of being tired... not planning meals.... not getting exercise in
I should have known when I started saying "day 1"  "day ...."

anyhow - there is no other way to say it
YES it is still my struggle
YES I am restarting anew

But then - isn't each day a fresh start!  God wakes me every morning with new promise and I am thankful.
With that - I begin anew today!

still determined

Somehow - and I still haven't learned how to work this out yet (I believe I will though) but when life gets a little overflowingly full - the things that become the easiest to fall behind on - are the things that bring healthy and nutrition and exercise to my life!  Why is that anyhow.  I am thinking it is because I still have not made those good things/good choices a "habit" yet.

Last week was full - especially in the work department.  I am part-time and yet I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and yesterday.  I love work - and I am loving the new challenges that go with it - but on Wednesday I felt like I was a little lax.  I just realized what it really is.... it is the fact that when I worked early to late it meant that I did not get into Curves, or get to walk outside or do the dancepad etc.

So I have to recommit to that.... I just feel so much better for it!
Why am I such a slow learner....

That being said - I am on the way to a healthier stronger me....
I am sticking to that pledge to myself!

Have a wonderful day!  Eat healthy!  Move it!!

one week in!

We ran out of water in our cooler last night!!  That for me - has become a dilemma.  Yes, I could drink the well water here at Josh and Leah's loft - but we have only been using that in coffee.  ANYHOW ... what a wonderful predicament!  (mental note: remember to take jug and get water this afternoon!)

When I read "Day 7" this morning - it began with "Creating a plan for realizing success, adhere to it ... and you will succeed!"

ADHERE to it!!  hmm, sounds like a key point to me!

I am one week into the plan toward a healthier lifestyle and I am actually feeling much much better.  It is hard to describe - but there is a "clearness" (vs the mental fog that I often have).  I recognize it whenever I make some changes in my eating.  (So you may ask - why don't I learn to stay on whatever brings me a clearer thought process??!!??)

The last week has gone by quickly actually - with only a few times of craving the sugar.  As I look back - I am seeing where I have intentionally made choices.  I have not been counting calories ... I have not been counting points... I have not been eating "diet foods" .... I have just been making good choices instead of the "vices" that I have used in the past.  (sugary white flour foods/salty fat laden foods)  Okay - I did count out 5 sour cream and onion potato chips and eat them.  If I am eating some of my vice foods - I want to be "fully aware" of it, not just aimlessly popping them in without thinking.

In the Day 7 assignment - Julie says "You should be starting to realize that it is just a matter of time until you realize that you CAN and WILL get there!!"  And then she goes on to get the reader to look at the past week and identify the positive actions that were taken towards the goals for the week!!

WOOHOOOOOO.... onto the second week!
Last week was about changing one negative habit into a positive one.  "In a gradual manner, building one success upon another, it is time to incorporate another positive into your life!! Today is the day to begin working to increase your fitness level!!"

Exercise.... will I love it more when I can move easier??  I am hoping I will - and I think I will.  Sometimes with my fibromyalgia, my head wants to exercise but my body is just too sore, too tired - too "feeling like lead" but the thing is - NOT exercising is just making my FM worse. 
I pulled out my dance pad yesterday and danced to praise music for 32 minutes!! It is a fun way to exercise and I knew there was a reason I brought it to the loft!  My treadmill unfortunately is in storage.  With the cold these days - I just can not bring myself to go outside!!  At work I climb steps instead of using the elevator.  However my job is a sitting down job most of the time! :(

But - it is one step at a time.... one dance move at a time...one walk at a time... on stair at a time.
And I am still loving Curves!

Julie (the author of this book/journal/plan) also encourages us to speak words of affirmation to ourselves ... and today's goes like this:
AM Affirmation:  I believe in my ability to improve my health, my attitude and my life.  I am worthy of the best that life has to offer and today I have the opportunity to get closer to realizing my dreams and goals.  I want to add - YES... with God's help!!

Now.... where is the dance pad?  Gotta go dance!

Day 5 in retrospect.... and the middle of Day 6

WOW..... we are moving ahead!

Did not post yesterday - it was day 5 and by far the HARDEST day.  I realized on Saturday that it is much easier to make healthy choices when I know I am at work!! I have been bringing my lunches - and make healthy and fun choices when packing it for the day.  But when I am at home - it seems that food just calls my name!! So Saturday I noticed that - but yesterday was hard. 

Yesterday's journal questions were again getting me to journal about the "why do you want to lose weight and improve your fitness level?" 
my answers were:

• to live longer and therefore have more time with those I love - my man, my kids, my grandkids, my friends
• move easier
• look better
• feel better
• reduce my health risks

Then the question was "why do you want to have more energy and become more fit? What will you do with more energy?"
Here is what I wrote:  "I think that I will engage more in active things once I have lost some weight and can move easier.  I keep thinking about how much easier it will be to walk, to get down on the floor with my grandson, to run, to play...   I know that losing weight will positively affect my emotional well0being too and I expect my self-confidence will change positively as well.  I just really want to live to the fullest - and more energy will help me to do that!"

TODAY - Monday, January 17th - Day 6
Today I am encouraged to get a daily planner and to write down the daily tasks (do this the night before) so that I know what I need to get done.  And also to see what I am making a commitment to accomplish!
This will help me to be more productive and also committed to my goals!

I do find that sometimes I can very easily just veg out on the couch - reading/watching TV/napping/etc...
I want to become more active - I want to be intentional about life!!

So.... I am pumped that today is day 6 and things are actually going really well - I am enjoying the flavour of things.  I am enjoying making new combos.  I am enjoying the fact that I actually feel more positive about myself.  I know this always happens whenever I am eating right and making healthy living choices! 
I am so thankful that God wakes me to each new day and provides me the strength for each day!

Now that being said - I will admit that sugar still calls me.  Not as much - but it is still whispering. One day at a time.... one day at a time!!  Going to exercise.  I figure today I will pull out my dance pad and just dance for a while!  Enjoy your day!!  And hey - if you are reading this..... look for the positive in your day!  God provides many many exciting things - we just have to be aware of them!  xo

Day 4 (yesterday) and Day 5 (today, Saturday)

Yesterday was a great day.  It was Day 4 of the journey on the way to a healthier lifestyle.  I packed my lunch to take to work.  I had purchased this really cool bowl from Curves, it has a gel portion, that you freeze and it keeps the veggies so nice and cold.  For some reason - I am just not into "salad" as much - it is so weird!  But I love veggies cut up.  I am using some dip for them. And I took some boccicinni (spelling ??) which is unripened mozzarella! It tastes amazing with balsamic on it.  I have decided to make sure I get my fruit and veggies in.  I am really working on that.  I will be honest - I still do have a bit of sugar craving once in a while.  I have decided to use the 90 cal pouches, and yesterday I used the little rice cake crisps drizzled with a little chocolate.  ANYHOW.... it was a good day.  I also had the orange flavored pgX on the way home.  It always reminds me of cream of wheat porridge!  This fibre supplement seems to be working well for me!  Last night we went out with friends, and went for Mexican.  My choice was fajitas, and I enjoyed the sizzling chicken, veggies, lettuce, etc without the wraps.  Yum.

Yesterday in the pgX journal pages there was something that I have known, but for some reason it just struck me yesterday!  What?  It was the fact that so often I have grasped all kinds of diets, programs, etc for the quick and easy fix to weight loss.  But the reality is - my life will not change overnight! And as they said in the journal page "...the true answer to lasting weight loss ... Eating a well-balanced diet and regular exercise are the key components of a healthy lifestyle.  The goal of this program is to bring you to a natural, maintainable, comfortable, healthy lifestyle.   Remember to focus on what you CAN do today, NOT what you didn't do yesterday!"

It felt like a breath of fresh air!! Letting go of the past failures.... taking each day for all it is!  And living fully in the day, NOT waiting for "when I get thin" to live life fully!

NOW - today, Saturday the 15th - this is Day 5

The question for today - to begin with - is why do I want to lose weight and gain a healthier lifestyle?
Well - here are my reasons

• I am at risk of diabetes, heart issues, arthritis/fibromyalgia pain increases, and cancers because of obesity.  I know this.  I hate the word obesity - but that is my reality.
• I want to love myself fully.  I know that my outer shell is the "shell" but man alive, sometimes it makes me feel awful!  I do not want to lose tears over this any more
• I want to walk the journey with God's help and not to keep taking back my stuff - but continually laying it down at His feet.  He is my strength
• I just want to finally feel victorious over this stronghold in my life
• the physical affects everything about me - I want to feel healthy in all ways!
• I want to lose weight for ME
• I want to lose weight so that I am able to be around for my family
• I want to lose weight so I can get down and play, dance, walk, run etc with my grandson and grandkids to come
• I want to do things that I do not do now because I am conscious of my weight and its effects on my life
• I want to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the success!

That is it for now - God is my strength!  Have a wonderful day.  Talk more later.

Thursday Day 3 (even though I am posting it early early Friday morning)

I need to get to bed... but wanted to post.  It doesn't even matter if anyone is reading this - it is helping me be accountable.  Today was Day 3 and it was a good day!  This morning I did part of an exercise that yesterday I thought was "hokey" but today, decided to go for it.  It was to find a picture in a magazine of what perhaps you would like to illustrate how you would want to feel/look/be ...
So, I pulled out a page with a very ordinary everyday looking woman (figure about my age) outside running.
She was not a movie star.  She did not look like an athlete.  She looked "ordinary" like me!
I realize that I just really want to love and enjoy life to the fullest - by being able to move easier than I do now (although I just realized that as soon as I take in less sugar/white flour my aches are minimal!)

Now at the end of the day - the exercise is to list something positive from the day - and here are a couple things I recognized today.  I felt hungry right as I was getting a couple groceries.  I made wise choices!! (the old me would have bought some type of goodie and eaten it on the way home!)  So that is a positive thing for today!  Also I realized that a couple times I just really slowed down my eating and enjoyed the flavor!  Okay, that just made me think of how my father in-law used to make the kids eat their smarties one at a time - to enjoy them!  (I am sure I am not the only one that puts a handful in my mouth at a time!)

So making good choices and enjoying the flavor - two positive things!

When I woke up this morning - I felt the "third day" feeling that usually strikes me on the THIRD DAY!  Every time.  I think it is when my decrease in sugar kicks into full gear - and I begin to get a little edgy!
But I soon snapped out of that feeling and got on the way.  I think it had something to do with starting the day off with some Everett time (my sweet grandson) and a good cup of black coffee!

I am off to bed.  Tomorrow is here and I still need my beauty sleep!!
night!

Day 2

It is almost bed time.  It has been a full day and I am tired.  I am also feeling a little hungry.  Or should I say I think I am a little hungry.  Second thought, as I write this, I realize I am not hungry.  (see what talking about it does!!)

Today was a full day - leaving the house at about 6:50 and getting home at about 9.  My day was long but it was good.  Thing is about my day - I did not get a lunch break.  I shook up the pgX in my water bottle but then got to working, so when I went to drink it - it reminded me alot of cream of wheat porridge! So I shook it up - and down it went!

By the time I was done, and back in my car at the end of the day - I pulled out my lunch and ate my veggies in the car.  They tasted WONDERFUL.

Today - I just got around to the journal entry for today - and I realize that it will be much better if I can do this in the morning - along with committing my day to the Lord.  In day 2's "today's actions" it called for me to write down my weight.  (ohhh, do I have to?)  One thing - sorry, but I am not writing it down here. (sure go ahead - take a guess :(

There is an "action" to do each day.  Today's got me to thinking about some of the things I would like.
Here are a few of them:
1) I would like to wear clothes that are in style and a smaller size.  (But then maybe I will actually LIKE to shop, right now it is just a headache!)
2) Can hardly wait to tuck my shirts into nice jeans
3) Can hardly wait to be able to climb steps without panting.
4) I want to feel successful!
5) I want to lower my risks such as diabetes (Mom) heart attacks (Dad) breast cancer (sister) .  This in itself should be the big incentive.
6) I want to live without aches and pains caused by my weight
7) I want to live in the present - instead of always thinking "when I lose weight..."
8) ..... and the list goes on.

With God as my strength - I can do it.
Day 2 is down.

Tomorrow is a new day!  Thank you Lord for being my strength!

Day 1

Early in the morning of January 1st - my prayer request (when we prayed as friends) was that I would get "healthy" this year.  You know - I am NOT getting younger (chronologically) which means if I want to do it - I have to do it NOW.  Now I realize that it is January 11th and I only have begun with Day 1 now.... but you know, it actually took me till now, to get going.  So - here I am, almost at the end of Day 1.

I have decided to take something that I saw advertised in a free magazine at the drugstore counter where I get my prescriptions.  It is called PGX and it is a fibre that you take, to help with cravings, and it actually helps with blood sugar.  I know I have not explained it - so you can check it out yourself at www.pgx.com

Anyhow - I originally downloaded the book from the website (free) and the journal as well (free) and I got the capsules but oh my goodness, they are huge! (I have this thing about trying to swallow pills) SO I opted out for the "granules" instead, which can be mixed with water or mixed into food. 

I just need something to help take the edge off - and this fibre seemed to do the trick today!

There is alot more besides this - but I will let you check it out if you want.  However - the thing I love is that this is not about weighing every day - or counting calories.  It is not about starving yourself - or about feeling bad every time you fall "off the wagon" ...

It is about "changing your lifestyle" so that you can develop new habits - and develop something that is lasting.   It is a commitment to doing 21 days ... and changing "habits" along the way.  She talks about the "vices" we use - and what keeps us from achieving long term change.  I won't go into anything else - but I just really want to begin making good choices and life-time changes.  SO today was day 1.

She (author) has lost a big amount of weight, and has counselled people in making lifetime changes.  Today - the first step was to carry and drink from a water bottle throughout the day - everyday! 

I also had to list 10 things that describe myself POSITIVELY.... and after I did it - I realized that I have alot going for me.  I need to look at the things that God has given to me!  He is not finished with me yet either!

The journal is all about making the positive changes and thinking it all over.  At the end of the day (now) I have to recall the positive things about today and look at one or two things I can do tomorrow to make it even more positive!

I feel really good today.  I know it is only day 1 and the first few days are the easiest - I know that full well.
However - this is just about change and doing it one hour - one day at a time.  Thing is - God is my strength - and with Him I can do it.  2011 - will be the year. It just has to!

Thanks for listening. It is time for bed.  Nite!

my journey

On January 1st - just after the kissing and hugging that follows the clock striking midnight - Alvin and I and four other friends went around our little circle and shared whether there was a prayer request for the year ahead.  And then we prayed together.  Some of our requests were two or three in one.  Such was mine.  I will share with you that I asked them for prayer that this year would be the year I finally "got healthy" (aka loose weight).  If you have read my other blog thoughtsfromacountrymouse.blogspot.com or even this one (the little I have blogged here) you will know already that I have been in "bondage" with the struggle of weight for many years.

Well - for at least since I was 18.  That was the first time that someone suggested that perhaps I lose 10 lbs.  Since then I have realized that it was a "teenage" suggestion but the reality is - it was my first attempt (if I remember correctly) to lose 10 lbs in a limited time. 

When I was 19 and got engaged, I was still at the weight I was when I was 18 - I was 150 lbs.  Now in my defence I have to say that I felt fine - but I did want a sleeker shape.  So - I got engaged at the end of January and my mom and I just decided to make an intentional attempt at eating healthier.  I used to come home for lunch (I worked close by) and eat with my mom.  She would serve up the plates (portion control) and I also limited the amount of milk I drank.  (we were a huge milk drinking family).  Between Feb 1 and the end of August, I had lost weight, and was fluctuating between 124 and 126 lbs.  I bought some new clothes including my first bikini!  Honestly - I remember the feeling of being able to buy some cute clothes in smaller sizes... it was wonderful.  I remember that. 

Well - within months of my wedding, I was back up to 142.  I remember that as well.  But I was still able to fit into my stuff - and well - still felt good.  I stayed there for a few years until I got pregnant and honestly, having my kids - I can't describe the joy.  But, the reality was - I did not lose the weight in between - you see - it was not all "baby weight".  And - the rest is history and the rest is a story about yo-yo dieting, feeling bad about myself, many tears, many re-starts etc.  You know the story if you also have struggled with weight.  Sad, but true.

If I had saved the money that I spent on programs, books, DVDs, diet aids, exercise equipment, memberships, plus the pages of my journal used up on this saga in my life... not to mention the Kleenex to catch and wipe my tears.  Yes, it has been quite something.  I say that NOT to feel bad about myself.  I say that to acknowledge the struggle.  I realize that once again I am here "talking about it" in public form.

Back to January 1st (a week ago) at 12:30 am.... that day I made myself vulnerable (again) and just kind of put it out there (again).  Sometimes I wonder if my friends and family get tired of hearing the same old tune.
I think not - but honestly, I myself, am tired of the same old tune.  This really has to be the year.  (does it count for anything that at least I have kept trying?  I am not quitting yet).

So - I know that God rejoices over me - dances and delights in me regardless of my size - regardless of whether or not I am carrying 75 extra pounds.  (yes, I know I "carry it well" but honestly, believe me - I would not be a "stick" if I lost that amount... I would be healthy according to charts!)  I am glad I can confide this in my family - in my friends.  I am glad that God does give me strength - even if I keep veering off more than I feel like I am on.

This has been a journey.  My life has been a journey.  God knows each step - each twist and turn - each mountain top and valley.  God knows the tears I cry over my bad choices.  He knows the joy I feel over even a day of making healthy choices.  God knows the people he puts in my life to encourage me - to pray for me - to love me regardless of how big or how small I may be.  I am blessed in that way.

I have a plan - and will be depending on God throughout this journey.  Perhaps you want to journey this with me - if this is your struggle? Email me if you wish.

This year - I have chosen a WORD for 2011. 

journey

Want to walk together?