self defeat ~ WHY?

This is what I wrote in my weight watchers TRACKER book on August 29th:  "be careful, this is usually when you fall off the wagon"

So why is it that I know my hard weeks - (usually around week 3) but somehow still self-destruct!  It is the strangest and most frustrating thing that I know something and yet I continue to self defeat!  What the heck is all that about?

August 29th was a bit over a week ago - and since then, well to say it was a struggle would not be completely accurate.  To say that all caution was thrown to the wind would be more like it!  It is embarrassing.  Really really embarrassing.  To be so honest about such a stronghold in my life!  I often think that there are very real similarities between my struggle with food, and another person's struggle with their "addiction".  Food is just a little more acceptable.  OR, IS IT?

Is it acceptable to be overweight.  As much as I would like to say yes, coming from one who is "morbidly obese" (yes, doesn't that just have a "ring" to it!) ... I think that even though it is my struggle and mine alone ... it is also the struggle of many of us.  Funny thing is - whether we want to admit it or not - people do pass judgment on those who are overweight/obese.   I will admit that people think that those who are carrying too much weight are just not trying hard enough.  (so AM I TRYING ?  or am I just fooling myself!)

I am just really feeling down.  BUT my friend just told me to "take courage" and so I have decided to do just that... and once again, will give it to God and hopefully try not to take it back right away.  Why do I do that?  It is certainly not because I think I can better!  Because obviously I am not.  In fact - if I had just saved all the money that I have spent on Weight Watchers, etc... I could probably afford a "diet surgery" if you know what I mean!  But that is not teaching me anything and besides, I would never do that.

I am glad that I am not giving up and just laying down!  I am glad that I still want to get up one more time than I have fallen off!  I am glad that God has not given up on me - even if I self destruct at three weeks!

Tonight at WW (after my weigh in - where I was up the amount that I had lost) the lecturer said something and I wrote it down - because it is true.

"although no one can go and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending"  - unknown

In other words - crying over the past does not change my past (in the weight loss department) however - I can bring change to it ... and end well! and healthier! and weigh less!
This is my desire.  O Lord - somehow I am not learning how to give it all to you - but please help me to .... I am so tired of the same old problem!!  Lord, please help me - change me - give me strength.  Amen


ps
so .... after I posted this - up pops an ad for WEIGHT LOSS BANDS .... honestly?