Wednesday's early morning thoughts

I have not had a good sleep - and yet it feels good to be up and at'em. I leave for a massage soon, and that is always a wonderful thing. Trudy has healing hands, and I say that because I know that as Trudy works on me - she prays alot. We also talk, and it feels like "soul care".

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Well - pretty eye opening in some aspects. I have begun going to Curves again. It was much more convenient when I worked at the church, and literally went out the back door of the church into the back of the mall and into Curves. I feel like they also like seeing me at Curves. I however have been paying monthly and not going often. So it was when Julie from Curves phoned and left a message. "Joy, we haven't seen you in a while so I am calling to say get your little butt back in here." I had to smile. (if only it was a little butt!)

So, I went into Curves and decided that it would be the "restart" and I would get weighed and measured at Curves. I haven't done much of that since I joined Curves. But I like that the scale weighs digitally and is more concise. (.2 or .5 vs just the line on the scale and estimating)
Then I decided may as well get measured too. AND when I got home, I decided to get Alvin to take some pictures for my eventual "before and after" shots.

AND this is where the eye opener was... it is not often that you see a back shot of yourself. And you know what I said about "if only it was a little butt"... HOWEVER, that was yesterday AND today is the next and new day! It will only get less on the scale and smaller in the picture!
I am confident of this!

What am I doing? (if you have read my thoughtsfromacountrymouse.blogspot.com) you know that weight has been my struggle AND I have posted about it - about the "restarts" about the decisions to do this or that. Now, really, there is nothing new about what I am going to do. Just a combination of God's grace and strength mixed in with some guidelines.

• commit each day to Him ~ the whole weight thing
• follow the First Line Therapy way of eating (lots of veggies, fruit, legumes, limited grains, add some nuts/seeds and fats)
• eat when hungry and STOP when satisfied
• exercise daily (goal is 240 minutes per week)
• I "restarted" on Saturday past, however weighed in at Curves yesterday (Tuesday) SO I am going to change weigh in day to Tuesdays not Saturdays, and try to always weigh at Curves to keep accurate. I do not want the scale to become my idol so, will weigh weekly and measure monthly. (Right now I am not going to post my weight - that would just be too personal! I can't go there yet.... however - it is numbers that I hope to be out of soon!)
• DO NOT PUT MYSELF DOWN ANYMORE! Remind myself who I am in Jesus!
• reconnect with my accountability partner daily! (beginning today, it has been a while)

Monday night I came down with a bad sinus head cold. I thought it was just allergies from working outside with the fluff floating around in the air, but was wrong. So I did not run yesterday, as I couldn't barely breathe. (which is also why I had such a horrible night last night). I am planning to go to Curves again today since I will be in the city. And if I am feeling better I will run later today.

This is the day that the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

It's Not About the Weight but It's Not Not About the Weight

I am reading a book called Women, Food and God. It is written by Gineen Roth who uses the word God loosely. She says that "I don't believe in the God that most people call God, but I do know that the only definition of God that makes any sense is one that uses this human life and its suffering - as a parth to the heart of love itself. While I realize that some people find the word God explosive and potentially divisive, and that other have a ddeply satisfying relationship with God. I use the word in this book because it evokes a vast expanse that we cannot penetrate with our minds, although we can know it through silence or poetry or simply senseing what is always here." (Women, Food and God, page 25)

For me personally, I connect with her line about others having a deeply satisfying relationship with GOD - my Father, Creator, ALmithgty, Sovereing, Rock, Redeemer, Comforter, Friend...
You get what I am saying? When I read this book, "God" to me means THE God of all. The great I AM!

So... I am reading this book. There is alot of good stuff in here. Alot of stuff that I go "aha - that makes sense". But what REALLY caught my attention was this excerpt in a magazine that is from her book, page 49: "We think we're miserable because of what we weigh. And to the extent that our joints hurt and our knees ache and we cant walk three blocks without losing our breath, we probably are physically miserable because of extra weight. But if we've spent the last five, twenty, fifty years obsessing about the same ten or twenty pounds, something else is going on. Something that has nothing to do with weight."

Ouch. Felt that one. Agree with it too. For 30 years I have struggled with the same weight - sure it went up alot with pregnancy with Josh, but then down some and then back up with my pregnancy with Ash and then up and up and up and up... did I say UP?

So this paragraph speaks into my life. So - if it has nothing to do with weight - then what does it have to do with?

I will be honest - in this 30 year old struggle I have listened and told myself a lot of lies! Oh man, the Enemy (Satan) loves these lies we tell ourselves because they are so crippling. After all Satan is called the father of lies in John 8:44. I realize more and more, and again especially through the bible study with Jennifer Rothschild ME, MYSELF AND LIES that the lies we believe when we are held in a stronghold - they are unlimited! Like chains around my neck.

It is also interesting, because just over the last few days I also was reading my devotions, and Beth Moore's book, and the day was about "The Tackiness of Deception" and well, you got it - Satan's lies!

For me - I will be totally honest... my statements to myself sound like this...(they aren't pretty)

• Joy you are such a loser! Can't even get rid of weight
• You must not be giving it to God because you can never get this weight off
• Man you are a failure
• it's hopeless, look how long you have tried
• I will never claim victory over this - it has consumed most of my life

Oh man, just looking at what I have written hurts me... but they are the honest truth - those are some of the lies I hear and Satan loves to underscore them!

Thing is - I have TRUTH in my Lord... And the TRUTH has to be spoken over and over again. And it is part of this journey. Truth that says

• I am so loved by the Lord ~ His BELOVED!! (Colossians 3:12)
• I am precious - His Treasure (I Peter 2: 9-10)
• I am capable (Philippians 4:13)
• I am a NEW creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
• I am FORGIVEN!!!! (Ephesians 1: 7-8)
• I am gifted with power, love and a sound mind! (2 Timothy 1:7)
• I am free! (Romans 6: 18, 8:1)
• I am valuable to God! (I Corinthians 6:20)
• I am being transformed!! (2 Corinthians 3:18)

and... (insert drum roll) like my blog verse states ~ I am His delight!! (Zephaniah 3: 17)Wow.... I can do it - one day at a time, with God as my strength. I can do it WITH Him...

So with that, I will say that it's NOT about the Weight - but its NOT NOT about it! Bottom line - if I want to feel better... in all areas of my being, I have to get rid of this once and for all...

I know that I am NOT defined by the number on the scale, but I know that it bothers me... and it brings great delight when it goes down. I guess it makes sense because when it goes down, I am losing, and feeling physically better all around.

I want to go through this day as one LOVED by God! Embrace that fully for today - even if it is just that one thought! I am HIS beloved!

Thanks for listening.

tying up the runners... after a few days off

I have been a little "off" the Couch - to - 5K Running Plan. I ran Week 7 Day 1 on Monday. But then I was in the City on Wed, Thursday and Friday and didn't run... nor did I run yesterday. I wanted to - does that count?

So today I put on the runners, put a good dvd into my computer to watch as I ran. Positioned the fan just so - and went for it. Week 7 Day 2 is the same as day 1 and day 3. "Brisk five minute warm-up wlak then jog for 2.5 miles or 25 minutes."

I warmed up - and at 5 minutes - put the treadmill to 3.8 mph and went for it. 25 minutes later, I began the cool-down. Mission accomplished for today.

I have this love-hate relationship with jogging. I don't like it... but one I am doing it - I am glad. When it is over - I am really happy.

Gotta make sure I do this every other day - otherwise I fall into the procrastination and excuse slump! That is very easy to do!

One day I would like to run a 5K - that is my first goal. I was hoping for fall... time will tell.
Right now I am not running quickly. But, one foot continues to go in front of the other, and at least I am doing something! Yoohoo..... that makes me very happy!

old thoughts over a cup of fresh coffee

The Scripture I have used, which are at the top of my blog, have been verses that were "given" to me a few years ago ~ actually QUITE a few years ago, like about 9 - 10.

I love them. Because when I read it (I especially love the New International Version) it makes me realize just how incredibly precious I am in the eyes of God!!

So, I went to sleep last night, with many many thoughts. And I woke up with the same ones.
Mainly, that I am HIS (Jesus) beloved, and that He wants the absolute best for me, but that so often, I am too stuck in what I see as the "failures" in my life, that I don't live in the blessing!

It is so easy for me to get stuck in the "failure" section. It is very easy to "believe the lies" that I so readily speak to myself (and which the Enemy satan loves to hear!) Things like "Joy you are such a loser! Can't even lose weight! You will never do it! You are a failure!" Lately I have been doing a Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild called "Me, Myself and Lies" and all I can say is ~ it is very timely!

My husband and kids are very encouraging. My daughter has always hated it when I "put myself down" and has become a great encourager in this journey. I call it a journey because well - it is. It is a path I want to follow that will take me closer and closer to better health.
And the bottom line is - when I am healthier, I will feel better in all areas of my being.

I want to stop listening to the old lies I have told myself. I want to keep stepping ahead. I want to quit looking back. Been there, done that all too often! I am tired of my weight consuming me! Unbelievable but it does.

Call it what you want. It holds me captive. Is it an addiction? Definitely feels like it. Eating has become my friend in so many occasions. Happy? Sad? Hurt? Upset? Down? Reality is no matter what the emotion, I eat to fix it... but that is just a huge downward spiral once I do.

I have lived the last 35 years of my life trying this and trying that. Achieving some success in the early years (like when I lost 25 lbs before I got married, and kept it off for a few years until I got pregnant). It can make me very sad to think I never lost my pregnancy weight ever! Or should I say I lost it and gained it back plus more - several times!

I have more things to lose weight, than I care to remember. I realize now that the most successful time was when I was still living at home, the year I got married, and my mom helped me to cut back. I cut back! Plain, simple, and it didn't cost me anything to be on the program.

I have paid out more money than I care to think about.... weighed in on more scales than I want to think about... bought more books and exercise videos than I could possibly even handle! I have laughed, got mad and shed many many tears over the pounds that have made my body their home!

I have fond memories of my few months at Overeaters Anonymous. I will perhaps blog on this another time. There were some things about it that I found a little weird (Hi my name is Joy and I am an overeater!) But the thing I loved was my "sponsor" Bev (who was a christian) and said to me "Joy until they realize that God is their "higher power" they won't be successful in this!) Actually, it just hit me... I KNOW He is my higher power, but I have continued to try to do it in my own strength.

I realize that I need accountability. I realize that my husband tries to be that, but I am not always so receptive.

Like I said.... old thoughts over a cup of fresh black bold coffee. Hmmm.... so many thoughts.
So, what am I going to do with them?

Well. I was inspired by a cousin of my daughter's husband... how is that for confusing! However - like I said, I am inspired. She has lost weight, and has blogged about it.
I went to bed with those thoughts and with pages from her blog that I printed as I want to read her story over the past year. I am a journaller. I am also a blogger. I have often blogged stuff about my weight struggle on my other blog ( thoughtsfromacountrymouse.blogspot.com ) but I have decided to do a blog separate, and on this journey! I was also inspired by Amy who I follow her blog too, and have seen her on Dr. Oz. She has been very successful in her weight loss journey too.

So this is the first post.

I decided to "weigh in" and change some of my goals. I will try to put up a photo of me - at the beginning. I want to embrace life and quit looking back. God has so much in store for me! BUT I have to trust him on this - with each day - with each step - with each bite!

There is more to come - this is just the beginning! And actually, I am excited about this.

I want to live believeing that God does exactly what He says in the Word!! O Lord - it is only in your strength that I step forward...keep stepping forward. And you rejoice over me with singing! How cool is that!

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)

17 The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."


Zephaniah 3:17 (The Message)

Your God is present among you,
a strong Warrior there to save you.
Happy to have you back, he'll calm you with his love
and delight you with his songs.