not doing...

at this point
i am really hoping that no one checks out this blog
or that no one checks in to see how i am doing
because the truth be told...
i am NOT doing
in fact
i am rather disappointed in myself

again.

seems in life
my weight has been my disappointment often
but really
it is MY thing right?
no one (no matter how hard they would like to)
can do this for me
no one
not my husband
even though he is my biggest encourager
and also the one who likely worries the most about my and my health

no one can fight this fight for me
no one can exercise for me
no one can eat properly and avoid chocolate when i am stressed for me
no one

so
i said i was "not doing"
i also said i was disappointed by that
disapointed that after talking about it for years
and after trying and falling
trying and falling
trying and falling
(did I say, trying and falling?)

it has honestly beenmy battle for most of my life

however
i am not defeated
and really i am not even going to let my "not doing" be my discouragement
not this time
because
that would mean that I am done trying
and I am not

as long as i live and breathe
i am not going to give up on trying to get healthy
because
i want to grow old with my sweetheart husband
i want to grow old and enjoy my kids and my grandkids
i want to grow old and be able to still enjoy life
so
i need to get cracking and not waste any more time licking my wounds
instead
i need to grab my boots by the bootstraps so to speak
and just do it

just
do
it


no more excuses
no more tears
no more disappointment
at least for today
one day at a time
YES

stripped down - wondering how He still loves me!

Yesterday was an incredibly hard day. At one point I said out loud that I felt like God had totally stripped me and I wondered if there was ever a time when HE hated what He saw (because I wasn't liking it!) There are also times when I wonder how He still loves me! But then again HE is GOD!! And no wonder He loves me - He has made me!! (even if I have done a bad job of taking care of what He made!) Back to yesterday - the day was so hard in so many ways. Incredibly HARD! It has been 9 weeks of Mom being in the hospital. I have just recently joined the Wellness Institute. WHY? Well.... because I realize that now, I have no treadmill and have not been walking...
I also realized that I felt encouraged when I looked through the windows and saw people, yes, some were thinner (actually most of them) but some were NOT thinner. Old and Young... Fit and Not Fit... all levels of exercisers! But the thing is they are all doing the same thing! WHAT? They are working at getting their bodies into better health!

I debated alot before I signed up... I was encouraged by my sister (in-law) Jody who is one of the biggest encourager's to get fit! She lives what she says! So, I signed up last Thursday.
Life has been crazy... my emotional state is all over the place! My eating has been all over the place! My family is concerned about me - and I got to thinking - "So why the heck aren't I concerned enough myself to get my butt in gear!"

Life ticks on. The other day, I listened to a good friend (older retired pastor) John talk about the joys of getting older but always being young in HIS (God's) presence! Just last Friday I said to someone... "Getting old sucks!" SO as I listened to Pastor John speak... my heart was changed and I realized I am doing NO ONE and especially not ME any good by eating haphazardly and eating all the wrong things, or by not exercising/moving, or by having a bad attitude about it all!
THUS today, with some fear and trembling (I have never done the WELLNESS thing before and I just don't know how to use machines, etc AND am a little shy to ask!) BUT I parked (using my ID card) and went in, scanned myself in, and got ready - and away I went. Okay granted, today I only walked... and pedaled on the bike... BUT it was a start - and it will get better.
Today was only 20 minutes walking - and 14 minutes biking but it was 34 minutes MORE than I have done in a long time! YES... the beginning!

I could easily feel ashamed of myself - at not achieving fitness goals - or weight loss goals - or exercise minutes etc BUT I am not going to go there. Instead - I want to move more/eat properly and as well - get the spiritual fitness happening! (Giving God my day at the start - and spending time in quietness with HIM before the day gets crazy!)

I hope that once Jody comes back from their trip - that I can convince her to teach me the ropes at the Wellness... till then - I will do what I can do - after all ANYTHING is better than NOTHING! Right?

I am also in a course at the Wellness, and my ACTION PLAN for this week - was to put exercise time into my day timer so that I can begin to put myself first. As my family has said - If I am not taking care of myself - I can't take care of others! So.... here goes!!

HE is my strength! I just need to give it ALL to Him! O Lord, this is my prayer. Thank you Father for not giving up on me - I know you long to give me the strength I need!

One day at a time.....
One
Day
at
a
time!

status

Well... I have a friend who uses a phrase that I think is a good one for me...

Suck it up buttercup!

Here I am....

not even at a standstill, but at a slight gain!

trying to regain some control over SOMETHING in my life...

or should I say, trying to allow God to control it!

With my mom (in-law) in the hospital for 6 weeks, and having gone through ups and downs, with her, I have found that I have often often OFTEN retreated to old habits aka FOOD.

I am not proud of it!

I am not flaunting it.

I hate to even admit it.

But that is the way it has been.

Flour and sugar have crept back into my diet.

Chocolate too.

I hate what stress does to me -

I am really very very weak.

But after dusting myself off

And giving it to God again (so WHY do I keep taking it back?)

I am on the road again.

(no, it is not Willie Nelson singing)

I exercised first thing.

I ate well!

I made good choices.

Lord, thank you.

Day 1.... sheesh, so HOW MANY TIMES did I think of chocolate? or donuts? The Tim Horton's coffee shop at the hospital is too convenient.

TOMORROW.... will be day 2.

I want to make sure I get my QT with God in - first thing!!

That folks, is my status... whether I like to admit it or not!

The first Goal - November

Yep, its me.... still struggling in the whole "w" department. Still not entirely getting WHY I am in the struggle of my life. Literally it has been a struggle almost ALL my life, or at least since early adulthood. In high school - I thought I was "okay" and the thing is, I felt okay. Sure I wasn't the thinnest, but I was not the chunkiest either. I just celebrated my 32 anniversary. The year I got married, I went from 150 to 124 from January to September. Once I got married, I then regained some weight and hovered at about 140. When I got pregnant with Josh, I was 142. I went up to 190 during that time. The old "eating for 2" was the theme those days when you were pregnant. I was not sick at all - and had a good appetite always. Then I lost some, but when I got pregnant with Ashley, I was about 165.

Now, the thought of being down to even that - seems a long way off. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get "healthy" again, which to me, means "losing weight" (a lot of weight)
This whole weight loss thing has truly become my "thing" for all these years. I have wept over it...gotten mad over it... been "on the wagon" and "off the wagon" many times over it.
It remains a "stronghold" and I honestly think that it is a spiritual stronghold. It occupies my thoughts except for when I am asleep. If I could just wave a big wand - the picture that I would want to be is very different. It would be of a woman my age, in jeans that are about a size 12. Heck, even a 14 would work!

The other day I wondered aloud in my blog, what it is that has me held hostage... why I struggle...why I can't just let it go...why it is such a STRONGHOLD! I know that the other day my son urged me to just live life... not to worry about my weight. He said "you look good mom like you are. You should just not worry, unless it is about your health." To which I replied it was about my health. About my shortness of breath when I carry anything up the steps...about the feeling of fullness when I sit and my bra presses into my ribs...about looking in the mirror and truly seeing too much weight on a medium frame. It IS about my health, about the pain in my lower back and hips. About the stiffness from my fibromyalgia, but feeling that it is also pain and stiffness in regards to extra weight on my joints. It is about my health. I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren grow up.

So, why is it that each day starts right, and then somehow detours when something delicious comes along. Why is it in my thoughts, that delicious=fattening, calorie filled, bad for you foods?
Why am I the one that loves donuts, cake, cookies, fresh white bread, etc...

I am doing the candida purge, and still have these sugar cravings. I know the purge really starts working at about 3 weeks, and so I am only a week and a half into it. I also know from having my blood live-tested in the past that I do have a lot of yeast in my system. (that was an amazing thing to see my blood live-tested)

Anyhow - I have to keep thinking through this. It is not about the weight, but it is not NOT about the weight. You've heard that before on this blog. I am still NOT getting it... but WANTING to get it. I want to live in the moment, but not in excessive eating! I want to enjoy all of life including feeling well enough to get down and play on the floor with my grandson!
I also need to put discipline back into my life. Not in a "legalistic" way - but in the way that I schedule in ALL the important things to do like: (not in any particular order) go for a walk, work out at curves, have my quiet time with the Lord, spend time in daily mediation (with the Lord), spend time with family, work on writing my book, etc

I do not want to be blogging about being held in my stronghold any longer. I want to instead, talk about how God is helping me break the stronghold!! Like I said, I think it is spiritual. WHY?
because it occupies so much of my time, and whatever we give our time to becomes our god...
(god, with a small g!) I know that God wants me to lay this down and to not keep picking it back up or focusing on it...

Somehow, I just have to keep dying to self.... and letting HIM be my strength in all areas of my life - and especially in this one! O Lord, help me!

My most pressing short-term goal has now been set. The beginning of November we are going with our family on a vacation. One that includes sand, ocean, hot sun. That means bathing suits!
I really want a new one!!

So enough with the LOOKING BACKWARD!! Here I go. Today is a new day. Lord, help me walk through this day with grace! Help me not to be bound by legalism in anything... especially not in this struggle with weight! May you O Lord, be my strength. Help me to lay down this burden once and for all. To live in the now, with my eyes on the future when you Lord, one day will call my name and give me the most beautiful body! In the meantime, help me to live fully for you. To serve you. To get this temple of the Holy Spirit into better shape - for my health!
Thank you Lord.

finally - the chance to post

I just realize that it has been a week and a day since I posted last. So, I want to do a quick update - to let you know the happenings of the last week.

I returned to the Center for Natural Medicine - to see Leyla about the First Line Therapy program... a "way of eating for life" as she puts it. I walked in there, after MONTHS of not going. In the meantime, I had talked myself in and out of several days worth of eating/changing my eating/throwing it all to the wind (you know what I mean?) As usual, Leyla said hi, but this time she gave me a big hug. She seemed to be as glad to see me, as I was to see her. And then the question - "so how are you?"

How am I? LOADED question. Do I tell her about how my mom (in-law) is in the hospital and has been close to death twice in the same number of weeks, and how I am spending hours there with her. Or, perhaps I bring her up to date on how we sold our house, and now we are living in our kids loft for a few months, and how the building is going. Or, perhaps I talk to her about the emotional stuff that surrounded our move. Or, do I continue to chat with her about the emotional stuff that will always be mine, in regards to losing my little grandson Jay.
Then, there is the emotional stuff around whether to get a job or not. And on and on and on it goes. We talked. I had a half hour appointment, and used every minute plus a few more when she realized I wanted my BIA done (body index assessment? I am hooked up to something that reads what is happening inside - body fat/muscle/water inter cellular and also extracellular....)
The good news was that I was up just slightly from the last time I saw her which was months ago. (I am not going to readjust my little "weight loss tool" to go with my appointments with her, verses my weigh in at Curves.

I shared with her how I felt like my sugar cravings were totally out of whack. Could be the whole yeast thing, which HAS been my issue before. I also shared that i felt that this weird coughing that I have had for the past 4 years, is related to wheat, so I knew that my coughing/asthmatic systems had increased, but I had been into the white flour again.
So, Leyla suggested a Candida Purge, which I take every morning... and should begin to feel better in another couple weeks.

SO I walked out of there feeling encouraged again. I would really like to say that I can do it on my own - but the reality is, I am so weak. I like knowing the "life giving foods" that I should eat - and finding recipes with them in. I am learning to be a bit more adventurous in my cooking.
I walked out of there determined to get some exercise back into my routine. One thing Leyla said, which is the same thing my dear man said to me "Joy, you have to start taking care of yourself - because if something happens to you, then you won't be able to keep caring for anyone anymore... YOU have to make yourself a priority!" (ya, at this point in life - easier said than done)

Anyhow - I have been doing first line again, trying to make it a life style as it is NOT a diet but a way of life... bottom line - it is healthy eating, cutting out the white poisons: sugar and flour, and really watching the salt!! It is also about figuring out how to handle stress... and about putting exercise into my life! (Hmm, so how DO I handle my stress other than with chocolate!) And, well - back to the 240 minutes per week! I think I am already lagging behind :(

So... here we go again.
I still need to work on what it is that is holding me captive...
Perhaps I just don't want to really know because THEN I have to make a choice to deal with it - and to break the hold with the power of God! He is my strength, but somehow I keep wanting to do it in my OWN strength... O Lord, I need you.

at a standstill ... again

I am feeling a little bit like a loser today. I decided to do a "fast" that I got from the naturapath's office. Went most of the day - took the stuff I also picked up from the Health Food store - and right in the late afternoon, was feeling very very "loopy" .... not sure how else to describe it. So, I decided today was not the day to start this fast.

The last week and a half has been no routine, no discipline but lots of stress with mom k in the hospital and daily trips there - with hours spent at a time sitting beside her hospital bed. Why is it that when stuff happens, especially when it is emotionally involved, the first thing that goes out the window is exercise and eating healthy.

Enough said... you can figure out for yourself where I am these days.

The thing is, I honestly feel so crappy (for lack of a better word) and for that reason in itself, I WANT to get back on track. Why is this so hard? What haven't I let go of? What is the stronghold all about? Will I EVER be free from this stronghold? Why am I my own worst enemy?

I do what I don't want to do (ie the bag full of popcorn I consumed at the movie - willingly and intentionally). I can always think about all this and make sense of it - but somehow taking it and making it my life has been the struggle. God knows all about this. O Lord... change me. From the inside out. Starting right NOW.

(I would actually like to just delete this blogspot... but that would just be burying my head in the sand wouldn't it!) I am so human.... O Lord, please change ME.

Week 6 ~ Tuesday Morning Weigh-In

Today when I went to Curves bright and early - I first of all stepped on the scale. Remember I had decided at the beginning of this blogged journey... to always weigh at Curves because it weighs digitally verses the old fashioned (but dependable) scale I have always used at home. So this morning before my morning workout, I stepped on the scale and was down (I thought it was .2 but when I check last week - it is .4) which brings me to 4 lbs. Now, this is slow and steady but hey - doesn't "slow and steady win the race!!?" (Tortoise and the Hare story)

I have to thank God for a number of things - but really, for the fact that while I am trying to regain some semblance of normality and routine in my life again ... I have actually NOT been craving things like chocolate. You have to understand, chocolate and I have this long-time relationship. It is a love-hate relationship, but a relationship none the less! And lately, I have not even wanted to buy chocolate bars. I am really thankful to God for this... because it is only because of Him. (In my weakness, He is my strength!!!)

I figure that even though I DID eat rollkuchen last night with my watermelon - that I did not pig out, and used moderation. I also figure that running up and down these steep stairs in the loft MANY times a day - that is helping me. I worked out at Curves and I am thankful that the exercise helps this "rusted tin man's body" feel a little more like moving.

I am thankful... for every "point whatever" of a pound that shows up as a loss on the scale. I am also thankful that God is doing a work in my life with this food related stronghold. It reminds me of a song that we used to sing at camp... it was called Little by Little (I think!)

"Little by little every day

little by little in every way

Jesus is changing me

He's changing me

Since I've made a turn-about face

I've been living by his grace

Jesus is changing me.

He's changing me

my blessed Saviour

I'm not the same person that I used to be

Sometimes its slow going

but there's hope knowing

that one day -

perfect I will be."

(I think those were the words.... Jean, if you are reading this - you will know if I am accurate or not!) I thank God for the songs he places in my heart just when I need them. He is changing me from the inside out... thank you Lord. (when I am home in heaven - only then will I be perfect!) Till then, I will carry on with this journey (even if it is only at a snail's pace) and try to remember that He does ReJoIcE over me!!

random thoughts about food.....

questions crowd my thoughts at times

like why do i always turn to food when needing comfort

and why do family gatherings always focus around food

why do potato chips taste so good - is it the salt or the simulated flavor

how do some people stop at one bite of chocolate

sometimes i have trouble stopping at one chocolate BAR

why do carrots always taste better with dip

and why does a marshmallow taste so much better roasted

why does sugar on a peanut butter and banana sandwich add the finishing touch

and Perrier water provides the fizz i need once in a while

how do they get caramel in the caramilk bar

and why don't m&m's melt in your hand?

why do i crave beef so much

and why do i hate making my own green salads?

why don't i crave vegetables

and want to avoid chocolate, or sweet breads, or wine

why do i turn to something sweet, or salty
when bored or lonely or needing comfort.....

instead of something colorful, fresh and crunchy, like veggies

how much water is enough

why is toast so much better with melted butter on it

who measures how big a scoop is, or a swirl of ice cream in a twist cone at half-moon?

why do i have a hard time getting my veggies in

but struggle with limiting the calorie laden stuff

who invented chocolate?

what did they look like.

who figured out that coffee tastes better with cream

it has to be bold and black, or bold with cream

milk will not do!

why do i crave what i should not have

(who makes up those rules anyhow ~ isn't a calorie a calorie?)

and avoid that which I should eat

why is it such a pain to prepare veggies for snacking

and yet making cookies is worth the time when snacking later

why can i eat the same thing as my skinny counterpart

and i put on the pounds for both of us?

life is just not fair

i need to choose to "eat to live" not "live to eat"

better now than never...

and on it goes, thoughts and all.

(now where are those carrots?)

Week 5 weigh in (if that is the right week?)

Okay.
I began this blog on June 26
And I weighed that day I believe
Since then, my weigh-in days have changed SO... I want a restart!

Right now, I have lost 3.6 lbs in the last month.
But my weighin weeks have been messy...
So I am going to call it week 5 weigh in (yesterday)

I have to say, I was shocked...
perhaps God just wanted to encourage me to get going...
Thank you Lord - help me to keep putting one step ahead of the other, and to handle life with things other than food!

the least of my worries...yet the most of my worries

How can it be - that during the most stressful times in my life - all efforts to eat well, to exercise, to be intentional about when/what/why I eat - all of it ~ gets thrown out the proverbial window. WHY?

It is August 2nd. I have moved. Now, I have no excuse. The pain that I wake up with, and live with through the day, and go to sleep with ~ that pain ~ I KNOW would change if I lost weight and eliminated the white flour and white sugar. So WHAT don't I get.

Why chowing down on Tylenol Arthritis ~ I could be chowing down on what is life giving to me - which is eating non-white things. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, I know that.

Tomorrow I plan to get to curves, and to get myself going again. Now the move is over - there are no more moving excuses. (hmm, what about unpacking and setting up in the "loft" and figuring our how to put our stuff into a much smaller area?)

On the good side - today I did walk... it was hot. Every step was painful. At one point (45 minutes into my walk) I was not sure IF I would make it back to the loft. (I did). I walked for one hour. (to the tracks and back - not sure how far it is - maybe I will measure it tomorrow)

I do that which I don't want to do... Paul (in the Bible) said something to that effect...

I need to feast on the Word of God - it seems that has been lacking over the past week too.

I have no excuses now - really - but every reason instead to get healthy. I want to be able to get down on the carpet to hang out with my grandson Everett. (right now, that takes alot of work to get down!)

So - here I go. Lord, God I know that in my weakness, YOU are my strength. Thank you Lord for not giving up on me!

excuses... they come very easy, but simply put they are still...EXCUSES

So, it has been over a week since I posted. It seems that after I posted my last post - on the 17th - early on a Sunday morning - life just got overwhelming. (I posted a few times last week on my other blog http://www.thoughtsfromacountrymouse.blogspot.com/)

Thing is - no matter how hard life gets - I still have to take care of myself. I KNOW that... but do I really GET it? Sometimes I wonder. Last week, even when things were hard (just when I thought they couldn't get harder) I still realized that when I chose to eat the chocolate, or when I chose to eat more "white flour" things, or when I chose to not exercise because "well, I just don't feel like it" ... that all of that is just an excuse. I was reminded of this when I read a blog (I was pointed to this blog by my daughter) and Andrea (who has lost tons of weight) talked about excuses that she has heard... no doubt she has heard them all!

Yesterday my life was crazy (yes again) but I decided to go into Curves and take the 40 minutes to get some exercise in. And, I weighed. I did not get in on Friday to weigh, so it was a little more than a week! And, well - I was down .2 lbs. You know - .2 - I will take that! (remember its not about the weight but its not NOT about the weight?)

I still am working on "getting it" so to speak. I am praying that it will become "first nature" to eat things that are good for me - and perhaps think of eating these things BEFORE I choose the bad ones. Lately, we have eaten far too much fast food (it is not good to be moving close to one of our favorite hamburger spots!) Lately I ahve eeaten far too much ice-cream. (Perhaps I should just pick one day a week when I will choose to indulge in this!). I keep thinking that once we move - my life will s-l-o-w down but really - who am I kidding? My life has not been slow in what seems like forever!

I think I want to make some goals for this week... from now till weigh in on Friday.
Here is what I want to do:

• get my water in (and decrease/eliminate the soft drinks that have crept back into my days, even diet pop just has to go!)


• get back onto the no white flour/no sugar way of eating (I am in alot of pain again, and I know it has to do with this!)


• "think and feel" before I eat. Quit eating out of stress... (and seeing as how this week is especially stressful as we do our final days of packing and moving... this is a good time to begin being intentional!)


• giving the day to God first thing in the morning

I heard a song today - and want to share it with you. I hope I got all the words right. It was hard to find, but it is called

"I Can Do All Things" by Sara Folden

When I'm worried
and I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through
And I just don’t know exactly what to do
I feel so helpless
When I'm frightened
and the enemy has bound me with his lies
I’m so scared that all I wanna do is cry
And I remember

I can do all things
I can do all things
Yes, I can do all things
Through Christ who strengthens me

When I’m lonely
And it doesn’t seem like anybody’s there
And I just can’t find someone who really cares
I feel so alone
When I’m overwhelmed
By the problems in my life and I can’t cope
And it doesn’t seem like there is any hope
And I remember

I can do all things
I can do all things
Yes I can do all things
Through Christ who strengthens me

I can do all things
I can do all things
Yes I can do all things
Through Christ who strength

Cause the joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
Through Christ who strengthens me

The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
Through Christ who strengthens me

I can do all things
I can do all things

changing the "default" setting

Today is Sunday. I am determined to get my butt walking today ... that has been awfully neglected since the packing started. I had a nice bubble bath, and I have a about an hour before I leave for church in Steinbach. So I have decided to post early this morning.

I have been thinking alot, and wanting to become more intentional about getting in touch with what I am thinking/feeling BEFORE I pop food into my mouth. I can't believe how hard that is. It seems that for forever - I have just "eaten" whenever... even when I have been on a "program" I have still just eaten at the "scheduled" times, with the planned amount.

What is it about me that I can talk a long time about "becoming intentional and getting in touch with my self" but somehow it is not happening. Is this just me procrastinating? Of course it is easier to always resort to "default" (eat whatever whenever) but I really want to change. I really feel this is an integral part of looking after what the Word refers to as "the temple of the Holy Spirit". O Lord, I am so sorry that this temple is in disarray!

I read something from the book WOMEN FOOD and GOD by Gineen Roth and it really stuck me! (page 122) "Your body is the piece of the universe you've been given; as long as you have a pulse, it presents you with an ongoing shower of immediate sensate experiences. Red, salt, loneliness, heat. When a friend says something painful to you, your chest aches. When you fall in love, that same chest feels like fireworks and waterfalls and explosions of ecstasy. when you are lonely, your body feels empty. When you are sad, it feels as if thee is a Mack truck sitting on your lungs. Grief feels like tidal waves knocking you down, joy like champagne bubbles welling up in your arms, your legs, your bells. Our minds are like politicians; they make stuff up, they twist the truth. Our minds are masters at blame, but our bodies... our bodies don't lie. Which is, of course, why so many of us learned to zip out of them at the first sign of trouble."

Zipping out... that is the default button in our lives. And I always thought I was working through my emotions but obviously my "working through" them has involved eating, which was my default.

I realize lately just how big this is in my life. I know that God can help me in this ~ that He can bring me into touch with my body - the one that He created. The one that He knows all about. Psalm 139 which is one of my favorite Scriptures, talks about how he knows when I sit, when I lay down, when I rise. He has "hemmed me in" and knows my thoughts. The thing is God still gives me free will - and choice... and look what I have done with that! I need to give that over to God, and let Him change me again and again and again, and bring this temple of the Holy Spirit into good repair!

It sounds like work. Perhaps that is why I keep talking about it, but not doing anything intentional. But I know that I am not too old to change, and with God's help I can. He wants me to be emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually whole. God is my strength!

I want to leave you this morning, with my favorite Psalm.

Psalm 139 (The Message)
A David Psalm

1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!

7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!

23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

lie, deny and look surprised! (heck, I could even try to justify it!)

I am sitting at my favorite coffee shop - Mountain Bean. I have just worked out, showered and dressed. I am killing some time before I am off to a funeral. I love this place because Internet is FAST compared to my dial-up (which soon will be history when we move!) (big cheers!!)

The title of this post "lie, deny and look surprised!" is a saying that Alvin and I have used jokingly. NOT that I feel that LYING or DENYING anything is ever a good thing! But I had to think of this saying ... let me tell you why.

I weighed in! (that is a good thing) BUT what I saw was NOT a good thing. Week 1 I was down 1.4 lbs. Week 2 I am UP 1 lb. You heard it right. UP A POUND. (insert a sad face here!) That is where I thought of the saying "lie, deny and look surprised" because my initial thought was "really?" (stepped off, stepped on just to confirm I was seeing right) "I AM UP!" "Can't believe it!"

And then, my next thought (sorry to say) is HOW DO I SAY THIS ON MY BLOG? Especially if one of my values is transparency, authenticity, honesty. I am not stupid - I realized that I had "options" and one of them was just to "forget" to post my weigh-in weight. The second option could be to "delete" the little blog ticker all together. The third option (and the one I have obviously chosen because of my values) is: facing the music. Saying it for what it is... yes, dear readers, I have gained a pound! Now the "old" me really wants to JUSTIFY why exactly I think I gained it... (perhaps it was the breakfast I ate before leaving home or the coffee I drank prior to getting to Curves. REGARDLESS... I am up. 1 LB is NOT life or death (so why does it make me feel so stinking mad!)

I really want to continue to learn to live in grace, not legalism, in regards to my weight journey. (and boy can losing weight become legalistic, believe you me!!) I really want to focus on WHO I am, not who the scale says I am. I do NOT want to make the scale my god, and do not want it to rule my life but feel that weekly weigh-ins are realistic and they are an indicator of how things are going within my body. (gotta find that balance here again) I have been so overly consumed by the whole weight issues most of my life. Sad, but true.

I really want to quit believing the lies that the devil uses to get me defeated, down, thinking I m a "loser/failure" etc... you've heard all this before I know it! (man, he loves getting a little crack in the opening of that door!)

So - I want to speak truth loud and clear! Today is a new day. Thank you Lord for a fresh day and another new day to live fully for you! Thank you Lord that I am so loved, so beautiful, so precious in your eyes, help me to believe it and live in that love! Thank you Lord that I can move and exercise - help me to do more of this. Thank-you Lord for the privilege of being able to buy groceries, and to make good food and to enjoy it. Help me Lord, to embrace life fully... to stay in touch with how I feel and what my body needs and to fuel it with good choices .

Thank you Lord that next week - is another weigh in (Lord willing) with new possibilities!! Now that in itself is grace!

accountability

I just finished talking to my friend Elizabeth. Elizabeth and I met through "lose it for life" a christian weight loss program, back in November of 2007 - I can't remember who wrote the post first, but none-the-less we connected via the "board" on that ministry site, and then began to email. Elizabeth and I are so similar, we just always laugh and continue to be amazed at how God takes two people and makes them friends - and has them share many of the same similarities. For instance - we both are in ministry. (Hers is paid, mine at this time is not) We are similar age, and have each given birth to two children. Zephaniah 3:17 (I just found out) is one of her favorite verses too. And, get this... when I did the 52 things about myself (on my birthday) we laughed when she told me that she had been a cheerleader too!!


The thing that brings us together on the phone as well - is the fact that we are both travelling along the weight journey! We decided a while ago to become accountability partners. I have the phone plan to the states, and she has the unlimited cell phone minutes. HOWEVER I am not the most reliable caller!! But we also encourage one another through email, and Facebook as well. (I just realized that when we move and use our cell phones only, I may have to look into SKYPE)


Where am I going with this?

Well - we just talked, and as we always do - we ended with prayer for one another. There is something very very sweet about being in the presence of the Almighty even though we (her and I) are on the phone and miles apart. We just sense the Lord within our midst! I realize (whenever I get off the phone) how much I love having someone that holds me accountable. It is different than a family member. (Poor Alvin - I ask him to keep me accountable and then IF he asks, I sometimes get defensive!!)


Tonight I shared with Elizabeth - that lately I have been so busy with packing, running errands, etc HOWEVER my eating hasn't been too bad. I said I want to increase the veggies and the legumes. I always feel better when I eat more of those groups. I also asked her to pray on my behalf, that I would be more intentional about thinking before I eat - and noticing WHY I am eating, and if I am HUNGRY or what I am feeling, and to stop eating when I am satisfied.


Years ago, when I did the WEIGH DOWN program, it felt like it became second nature to eat only when hungry and stop when satisfied. But somewhere over the past 11 years, I have lost touch with that part!! Now, my tendency would be just... to eat.

Tired? Eat.

Happy? Eat.

Sad? Eat.

Mad? Eat

Bored? you guessed it... EAT.


Yep I pretty much have worked with the assumption that eating is the answer to almost anything. Thing is - I don't really even think about it. It has somehow just become my "default" button. I don't like that. And I really don't think the answer to everything is stuffing my face!

I realize that with the Lord's help - I am making headway. I am not "defaulting" as often.

But, I want to have it happen more often than not. I want to be more intentional about also being in tune with myself - what I am feeling... what I am thinking...what I am wanting and why. I realize that lately my exercise is lacking. I have not run. I have not walked lately. I HAVE gone to curves though (that is good!). I changed the exercise minutes goal back to 240 instead of the running total, as I was so far behind it was depressing! I don't need anything to make me feel like a loser. I quite easily fall into that trap on my own!

I also realize that I am making better choices. For instance I baked this morning - chocolate chip cookies - our fav recipe. Ordinarily (I shared this with Elizabeth) I would have eaten half the dough before I baked the other half! (okay maybe not half) However, this morning - I did not do that! I think I took 2 tastes. Just 2. That is a great improvement. YAY ME!!


It is hard. It is a journey. I want to claim victory in this, and I know that with God I can in 2010! That is my decision - to take it one step at a time. I have tried all kinds of quick loss plans, and have been temporarily successful. But - I need to change my heart - my attitude - my way of thinking - and change my "default" button!


I appreciated my phone call and prayer time with Elizabeth... she is a gift to me.
She is a friend. A companion along this weight journey. She listens, she shares, she prays.
And I ~ I am thankful!

it doesn't feel so good eating past satisfied!

Yesterday was a "in the city all day" type of day. Curves was at the beginning, and meeting friends for supper and then ice-cream was the grand finale!

So, as we travelled the short distance from Gaffers, Lockport to Half-Moon for ice-cream, I was telling myself (in my head) "no, you are satisfied - and you are going to go in, but you are not going to order ice-cream". Okay, you have to know, that H.M. is my favorite ice-cream place. My favorite flavor? Peanutbutter and Chocolate! (always a great combo!)

We got in the l-o-n-g lineup and as we inched forward I was pretty confident that "no, none for me" was my decision. So then, Alvin got his "hazelnut Irish cream frozen yogurt" and our friends ordered theirs, and then I ordered mine. Yep you heard it right... a small hazelnut Irish cream frozen yogurt please.

So I ate it - the WHOLE thing. And I sat on my way home with extreme "buyer's remorse" over my decision because I had eaten past satisfied, and honestly, I felt yucky to boot!

Why did I do that? Hm.. the million dollar question. Why have I done that most of my life?
Another million dollar question. I really want that to be the last time I do that... really.

I know, today is a new day. A fresh start. It began with coffee in the gazebo and then a walk with my man. Felt good to walk. Something in me says, get running again now that my knees feel better. I just gotta eat within hungry and satisfied and get moving these legs! That is the answer!

It sounds so easy... guess I should adopt Nike's slogan and Just Do It!

First time out of the house all week!

I am at my favorite coffee place ... Mountain Bean. This is truly the first time out of my house this week! I have been packing like a mad woman... that has literally been the only exercise for me except for 2 days - where I actually intentionally did something. I guess I could feel bad ~ especially when I look at my exerciser ticker - which is supposed to help keep me motivated. I look and see that the week goes till end of next Monday AND I am already two weeks behind! I could do one of two things. 1) just let that in itself be a motivator to get my butt in gear more often or 2) take the "weekly goal" part off the ticker and just leave it as the big number of minutes to exercise. I opt for the first one! Otherwise I would really just be trying to cover something up! (the fact that I have not been exercising and in this case it is not the thought that counts!)

So - up early for my day out! The packing is not happening today. It feels wonderful!
I dropped Alvin off and proceeded on to Curves for a work-out and shower! Ah, so good! I love it there! I can hardly wait until I am living closer. Somehow right now driving in purely for a curves work-out isn't something I am doing - but living on Henderson will be much more convenient!!

So - I had wanted to weigh in on Tuesday past - but as I said I was not at Curves. At home I do own a scale which all my family weighs on. (It has sat under the big bench at the front door for years!) But it is not digital and doesn't do the "point something" of a pound. So... today I weighed.... and I was DOWN!!! I was down 1.4 lbs to be exact. So, I am very thankful.

I know that the scale isn't everything. I also know that the scale can become a "god" if we let it. I also know that it is how we "feel" that means everything - but baby, I am so glad for every single point of a pound I can lose! I am 1.4 lbs closer to my first goal of 20 (20.2) lbs.

YES

got the walking shoes on again (finally!)

So yesterday - amidst the packing, I took time out to "walk" (not run) on the treadmill. I logged 33 minutes. That was at least something. My "exercise" is lacking alot these days! I am behind in the minutes that I want to log per week. It always happens that way - my life gets stressed and the first thing to go down the toilet (so to speak) is my exercise! AND I was wanting to weigh in at Curves, and due to the packing up - will not likely get in there until Friday. So, the first weigh in will be overdue!!

However - I am doing well in the eating (or not over eating) department! I did realize however that I am missing out on my nuts/seeds and legumes. I had actually really come to enjoy those. So - I am hoping to get those in daily again... and keep plugging along.

With the intensity of these months ahead during our build - the one thing we are looking forward to (as a family) is to go some place wonderful and exotic in October. And well - you know what that means (insert the music from "Jaws" here)... it means "bathing suit time".

Oh, not a good thought right now - but with each day - it is getting better. This trip, I want to buy myself a nice new bathing suit! So, on with the hard work... on with getting my butt in gear literally to shape up. And, even though I am behind in the minutes - I will keep plugging on! The minutes I want to log are up until the week we go away! (and Lord willing, I can catch up with the ones I am lagging behind in!)

And today I want to make sure to make good healthy eating choices!

These are the things I want to do for myself:

1. start the day off with my QT with the Lord. Commit the day to Him right off the hop.
2. eat when hungry
3. eat sitting down in a calm environment
4. eat without distractions so that I am aware of what I am eating, and how it tastes
5. eat only until satisfied (even if it means leaving something on my plate)
6. drink my water
7. weigh no more than once per week (usually on Tuesdays)
8. plan exercise into my day (240 minutes per week is my goal)

So - here's to today!!

Yesterday was a one donut day!

So, the title - "yesterday was a one donut day" is the truth! I ate a donut. I willingly bought it, and ate it - and the thing is, actually two things.... 1) I bought it not intending to buy it in the first place and 2) I ate it knowing it was not going to make me feel good after and oh, one more thing... 3) it wasn't even very good but I ate the whole thing!

A one donut day. At least I didn't buy TWO donuts!

Why resort to the donut? Well - feeling somewhat stressed. I realize I have this "default" (no surprise there) of eating when stressed. So, with that - I am glad it was just the ONE donut. No ice cream. No pop. Just a donut.

At one time that would have sent me into a feeding frenzy - but yesterday it didn't. So, I have realized that I have begun to change. Slowly but certainly.

Exercise lately, has been another thing. The last time I ran, which was Wed or Thursday - my knees bothered me for the rest of the day. Then we worked at the land and my whole body bothered me...
And yesterday... well, you see. Excuses and justifying WHY I have not exercised is very easy. So with that - I am going to just say - I am learning.

Off to WALK. And then to pack. Talk later!

the weekend

Today is Sunday and I realize that I have not done any exercise (intentional i.e. at Curves, or on the treadmill) since - let's see... perhaps Wed or Thursday. In fact, the last time I ran, I could not run as long as I wanted as my knees were bothering me. I realize (I think) that really, with the weight I have on - I should WALK not run.

But my weekend has been away from home, and full. And by the time I get home - I can not muster up the energy to do anything except fall asleep. Tonight was the first time I actually got home at an hour where there could have been exercise time available.

As far as eating since Friday - my eating plan has been off...
It makes sense - as some of the things we have done have been spur of the moment, as in when I had to leave Friday for the land, and had about a 10 minute frame to get ready.

I also realize that as things are heating up - not just with working outside in the heat, with sweat literally rolling down into our eyes - but that we are getting closer to moving out... I am feeling overwhelmed already and I know that THAT is not a good thing. I think I have to get it together ... and keep my eyes on the goal! God is my strength. I always have to remember that - even when our plans sometimes change on the spur of the moment.

I guess the good thing is that working outside on the foundation (as I have done Monday, Saturday and today) is a workout in itself. In fact this morning, I could hardly move...
And, well ~ sweatting is good for me too right?

Tomorrow is a new day! Thank you Lord.

I want to truly live in the "now" of life

We found an old video tape. It is actually very funny. When we got together as an extended family yesterday we laughed and laughed at it. MOST of it is my two kids, Josh who is 6 and Ashley who is 3 - as the main stars of the video. But here and there were clips of other family members. There is something however, that when I watched yesterday, it hit me ...
At one point we are gathered around the dinner table at my in-laws on a Sunday. Mom put out the cake to enjoy. As well there was a bowl of whipping cream and a bowl of strawberries in juice. This of course was to compliment the piece of cake! Well, here is what struck me. I only took some of the fruit while others enjoyed the whole dessert.

This made me think of my birthday (just a month ago or so) when Ashley asked me if I wanted a cake (knowing I was "watching" what I ate) and I intentionally said sure, I would like a fruit pizza as a cake. I blew out the candles. And I ate a piece of my own birthday cake realizing that normally, for years, I did not celebrate with a birthday cake for myself (with the exception of the cake Meggie bought for me at work) because well - "I couldn't as I was on a diet, or a food plan or whatever!" Really, not that avoiding the birthday cake got me any closer to shedding these extra pounds. And - I am learning alot about myself - and about eating - or not eating - and about the journey I am on, and have been on for 30+ years of my life!

What I am learning is also something I read - and aha moment - in the book by Gineen Roth, same one I mentioned in another post. I realize that my life has become about my weight! I have become so burdened with it that my focus has become so narrow.

Here is what Gineen says on page 60-61 of Women Food and God:
You need to address the weight because without addressing it, you don't actually live. You schlep yourself from place to place, out of breath. You become so burdened with the problem you've created that your life becomes small and your focus becomes narrow. Life becomes about your limitations. What you can and cannot do. How much you can hide. How ashamed you are of yourself. If you keep using food as a drug, if your life becomes about your weight, you miss everything that is not related to your weight problem. you die without ever having lived.

You miss the life that happens in the middle zone - between now and what you think your life should be like.

I have realized, and it was just accented again yesterday when I saw myself take only the fruit because I couldn't have the rest!! (I thought) I realized that I have lived within so many diets and restrictions but have not gotten any further ahead, and instead have made that my life! It makes me very sad to admit that. There was always the past and the future when I WOULD FINALLY BE SKINNY! (hate to admit that too!) and in the meantime, I have missed out on the here and now in many ways!

What sadness that brings!

I have said for a long long time that I want to embrace life fully! To live on the edge! (yep me, the one who is afraid of heights and water... the one who is afraid to eat a piece of her own cake YET loves to eat the stuff when alone!) I am saying again... I DO WANT TO EMBRACE LIFE FULLY and have decided to do it through my senses.... to feel the bubbles on my skin when I do dishes... to feel the sun on my skin when I am outside.... to hear the way the leaves rustle or the way my Grandson Everett squeals with delight. I want to smell his fragrant baby smell. I want to savor the rich taste of fresh bold black coffee. I will also enjoy the taste of a piece of good chocolate, or a slice of birthday cake.

I am wanting to live fully - to experience God in all things and all aspects of my life. I do not want to worry any longer about lists and rules. I instead want to allow the Holy Spirit within me to guide me in recognizing when my body needs food, and when it is satisfied. I am relearning HUNGRY feelings and SATISFIED feelings. I am trying to live in grace instead of legalism (yes, that affects my weight journey as well!) And I really want this so that I will become a woman after God's own heart, who pays attention to keeping my body (the temple of the Holy Spirit within) healthy and strong. I have to regain some lost time, but I know that in his strength, I can do it!

Today I have decided to get back in touch with eating when I am hungry (physically) and stopping when I am satisfied. It is a good thing I am a slow eater! I also want to get in touch with the times I am "emotionally" hungry and go to God for that fill-up! This journey is not just physical.... I know that all too well. One day at a time - with God.

HE rejoices over me - and wants me to rejoice over all that He has made me, and given me... instead of looking into the mirror and lamenting over what I have allowed my body to become! It is a journey - and I know I will be in it for the long haul. With His strength - I will be victorious. Thanks for listening to my rambling.

For today, on top of the above decisions, I need to get drinking water again. And, yesterday I ran and had some trouble with my knees. So, perhaps I will not run as much.... even though I am so close to the end of the Couch Potato to 5K running guide...
I need to make exercise both a priority, and also just look for ways to become more active! Here's to today! Friday!!

Wednesday's early morning thoughts

I have not had a good sleep - and yet it feels good to be up and at'em. I leave for a massage soon, and that is always a wonderful thing. Trudy has healing hands, and I say that because I know that as Trudy works on me - she prays alot. We also talk, and it feels like "soul care".

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Well - pretty eye opening in some aspects. I have begun going to Curves again. It was much more convenient when I worked at the church, and literally went out the back door of the church into the back of the mall and into Curves. I feel like they also like seeing me at Curves. I however have been paying monthly and not going often. So it was when Julie from Curves phoned and left a message. "Joy, we haven't seen you in a while so I am calling to say get your little butt back in here." I had to smile. (if only it was a little butt!)

So, I went into Curves and decided that it would be the "restart" and I would get weighed and measured at Curves. I haven't done much of that since I joined Curves. But I like that the scale weighs digitally and is more concise. (.2 or .5 vs just the line on the scale and estimating)
Then I decided may as well get measured too. AND when I got home, I decided to get Alvin to take some pictures for my eventual "before and after" shots.

AND this is where the eye opener was... it is not often that you see a back shot of yourself. And you know what I said about "if only it was a little butt"... HOWEVER, that was yesterday AND today is the next and new day! It will only get less on the scale and smaller in the picture!
I am confident of this!

What am I doing? (if you have read my thoughtsfromacountrymouse.blogspot.com) you know that weight has been my struggle AND I have posted about it - about the "restarts" about the decisions to do this or that. Now, really, there is nothing new about what I am going to do. Just a combination of God's grace and strength mixed in with some guidelines.

• commit each day to Him ~ the whole weight thing
• follow the First Line Therapy way of eating (lots of veggies, fruit, legumes, limited grains, add some nuts/seeds and fats)
• eat when hungry and STOP when satisfied
• exercise daily (goal is 240 minutes per week)
• I "restarted" on Saturday past, however weighed in at Curves yesterday (Tuesday) SO I am going to change weigh in day to Tuesdays not Saturdays, and try to always weigh at Curves to keep accurate. I do not want the scale to become my idol so, will weigh weekly and measure monthly. (Right now I am not going to post my weight - that would just be too personal! I can't go there yet.... however - it is numbers that I hope to be out of soon!)
• DO NOT PUT MYSELF DOWN ANYMORE! Remind myself who I am in Jesus!
• reconnect with my accountability partner daily! (beginning today, it has been a while)

Monday night I came down with a bad sinus head cold. I thought it was just allergies from working outside with the fluff floating around in the air, but was wrong. So I did not run yesterday, as I couldn't barely breathe. (which is also why I had such a horrible night last night). I am planning to go to Curves again today since I will be in the city. And if I am feeling better I will run later today.

This is the day that the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

It's Not About the Weight but It's Not Not About the Weight

I am reading a book called Women, Food and God. It is written by Gineen Roth who uses the word God loosely. She says that "I don't believe in the God that most people call God, but I do know that the only definition of God that makes any sense is one that uses this human life and its suffering - as a parth to the heart of love itself. While I realize that some people find the word God explosive and potentially divisive, and that other have a ddeply satisfying relationship with God. I use the word in this book because it evokes a vast expanse that we cannot penetrate with our minds, although we can know it through silence or poetry or simply senseing what is always here." (Women, Food and God, page 25)

For me personally, I connect with her line about others having a deeply satisfying relationship with GOD - my Father, Creator, ALmithgty, Sovereing, Rock, Redeemer, Comforter, Friend...
You get what I am saying? When I read this book, "God" to me means THE God of all. The great I AM!

So... I am reading this book. There is alot of good stuff in here. Alot of stuff that I go "aha - that makes sense". But what REALLY caught my attention was this excerpt in a magazine that is from her book, page 49: "We think we're miserable because of what we weigh. And to the extent that our joints hurt and our knees ache and we cant walk three blocks without losing our breath, we probably are physically miserable because of extra weight. But if we've spent the last five, twenty, fifty years obsessing about the same ten or twenty pounds, something else is going on. Something that has nothing to do with weight."

Ouch. Felt that one. Agree with it too. For 30 years I have struggled with the same weight - sure it went up alot with pregnancy with Josh, but then down some and then back up with my pregnancy with Ash and then up and up and up and up... did I say UP?

So this paragraph speaks into my life. So - if it has nothing to do with weight - then what does it have to do with?

I will be honest - in this 30 year old struggle I have listened and told myself a lot of lies! Oh man, the Enemy (Satan) loves these lies we tell ourselves because they are so crippling. After all Satan is called the father of lies in John 8:44. I realize more and more, and again especially through the bible study with Jennifer Rothschild ME, MYSELF AND LIES that the lies we believe when we are held in a stronghold - they are unlimited! Like chains around my neck.

It is also interesting, because just over the last few days I also was reading my devotions, and Beth Moore's book, and the day was about "The Tackiness of Deception" and well, you got it - Satan's lies!

For me - I will be totally honest... my statements to myself sound like this...(they aren't pretty)

• Joy you are such a loser! Can't even get rid of weight
• You must not be giving it to God because you can never get this weight off
• Man you are a failure
• it's hopeless, look how long you have tried
• I will never claim victory over this - it has consumed most of my life

Oh man, just looking at what I have written hurts me... but they are the honest truth - those are some of the lies I hear and Satan loves to underscore them!

Thing is - I have TRUTH in my Lord... And the TRUTH has to be spoken over and over again. And it is part of this journey. Truth that says

• I am so loved by the Lord ~ His BELOVED!! (Colossians 3:12)
• I am precious - His Treasure (I Peter 2: 9-10)
• I am capable (Philippians 4:13)
• I am a NEW creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
• I am FORGIVEN!!!! (Ephesians 1: 7-8)
• I am gifted with power, love and a sound mind! (2 Timothy 1:7)
• I am free! (Romans 6: 18, 8:1)
• I am valuable to God! (I Corinthians 6:20)
• I am being transformed!! (2 Corinthians 3:18)

and... (insert drum roll) like my blog verse states ~ I am His delight!! (Zephaniah 3: 17)Wow.... I can do it - one day at a time, with God as my strength. I can do it WITH Him...

So with that, I will say that it's NOT about the Weight - but its NOT NOT about it! Bottom line - if I want to feel better... in all areas of my being, I have to get rid of this once and for all...

I know that I am NOT defined by the number on the scale, but I know that it bothers me... and it brings great delight when it goes down. I guess it makes sense because when it goes down, I am losing, and feeling physically better all around.

I want to go through this day as one LOVED by God! Embrace that fully for today - even if it is just that one thought! I am HIS beloved!

Thanks for listening.

tying up the runners... after a few days off

I have been a little "off" the Couch - to - 5K Running Plan. I ran Week 7 Day 1 on Monday. But then I was in the City on Wed, Thursday and Friday and didn't run... nor did I run yesterday. I wanted to - does that count?

So today I put on the runners, put a good dvd into my computer to watch as I ran. Positioned the fan just so - and went for it. Week 7 Day 2 is the same as day 1 and day 3. "Brisk five minute warm-up wlak then jog for 2.5 miles or 25 minutes."

I warmed up - and at 5 minutes - put the treadmill to 3.8 mph and went for it. 25 minutes later, I began the cool-down. Mission accomplished for today.

I have this love-hate relationship with jogging. I don't like it... but one I am doing it - I am glad. When it is over - I am really happy.

Gotta make sure I do this every other day - otherwise I fall into the procrastination and excuse slump! That is very easy to do!

One day I would like to run a 5K - that is my first goal. I was hoping for fall... time will tell.
Right now I am not running quickly. But, one foot continues to go in front of the other, and at least I am doing something! Yoohoo..... that makes me very happy!

old thoughts over a cup of fresh coffee

The Scripture I have used, which are at the top of my blog, have been verses that were "given" to me a few years ago ~ actually QUITE a few years ago, like about 9 - 10.

I love them. Because when I read it (I especially love the New International Version) it makes me realize just how incredibly precious I am in the eyes of God!!

So, I went to sleep last night, with many many thoughts. And I woke up with the same ones.
Mainly, that I am HIS (Jesus) beloved, and that He wants the absolute best for me, but that so often, I am too stuck in what I see as the "failures" in my life, that I don't live in the blessing!

It is so easy for me to get stuck in the "failure" section. It is very easy to "believe the lies" that I so readily speak to myself (and which the Enemy satan loves to hear!) Things like "Joy you are such a loser! Can't even lose weight! You will never do it! You are a failure!" Lately I have been doing a Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild called "Me, Myself and Lies" and all I can say is ~ it is very timely!

My husband and kids are very encouraging. My daughter has always hated it when I "put myself down" and has become a great encourager in this journey. I call it a journey because well - it is. It is a path I want to follow that will take me closer and closer to better health.
And the bottom line is - when I am healthier, I will feel better in all areas of my being.

I want to stop listening to the old lies I have told myself. I want to keep stepping ahead. I want to quit looking back. Been there, done that all too often! I am tired of my weight consuming me! Unbelievable but it does.

Call it what you want. It holds me captive. Is it an addiction? Definitely feels like it. Eating has become my friend in so many occasions. Happy? Sad? Hurt? Upset? Down? Reality is no matter what the emotion, I eat to fix it... but that is just a huge downward spiral once I do.

I have lived the last 35 years of my life trying this and trying that. Achieving some success in the early years (like when I lost 25 lbs before I got married, and kept it off for a few years until I got pregnant). It can make me very sad to think I never lost my pregnancy weight ever! Or should I say I lost it and gained it back plus more - several times!

I have more things to lose weight, than I care to remember. I realize now that the most successful time was when I was still living at home, the year I got married, and my mom helped me to cut back. I cut back! Plain, simple, and it didn't cost me anything to be on the program.

I have paid out more money than I care to think about.... weighed in on more scales than I want to think about... bought more books and exercise videos than I could possibly even handle! I have laughed, got mad and shed many many tears over the pounds that have made my body their home!

I have fond memories of my few months at Overeaters Anonymous. I will perhaps blog on this another time. There were some things about it that I found a little weird (Hi my name is Joy and I am an overeater!) But the thing I loved was my "sponsor" Bev (who was a christian) and said to me "Joy until they realize that God is their "higher power" they won't be successful in this!) Actually, it just hit me... I KNOW He is my higher power, but I have continued to try to do it in my own strength.

I realize that I need accountability. I realize that my husband tries to be that, but I am not always so receptive.

Like I said.... old thoughts over a cup of fresh black bold coffee. Hmmm.... so many thoughts.
So, what am I going to do with them?

Well. I was inspired by a cousin of my daughter's husband... how is that for confusing! However - like I said, I am inspired. She has lost weight, and has blogged about it.
I went to bed with those thoughts and with pages from her blog that I printed as I want to read her story over the past year. I am a journaller. I am also a blogger. I have often blogged stuff about my weight struggle on my other blog ( thoughtsfromacountrymouse.blogspot.com ) but I have decided to do a blog separate, and on this journey! I was also inspired by Amy who I follow her blog too, and have seen her on Dr. Oz. She has been very successful in her weight loss journey too.

So this is the first post.

I decided to "weigh in" and change some of my goals. I will try to put up a photo of me - at the beginning. I want to embrace life and quit looking back. God has so much in store for me! BUT I have to trust him on this - with each day - with each step - with each bite!

There is more to come - this is just the beginning! And actually, I am excited about this.

I want to live believeing that God does exactly what He says in the Word!! O Lord - it is only in your strength that I step forward...keep stepping forward. And you rejoice over me with singing! How cool is that!

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)

17 The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."


Zephaniah 3:17 (The Message)

Your God is present among you,
a strong Warrior there to save you.
Happy to have you back, he'll calm you with his love
and delight you with his songs.