"AHA" moments along this journey

Well - it is the end of the month, actually into the beginning of Feb.  Where does time go.
I started weighing in at WW about the same time that I weighed in for the contest at work.  SO at work, it doesn't matter what we do, or where we weigh.  No one is weighing us in - we do it in private and submit our weight for that week to someone who is tracking and sending the info out to all.  (info as in pounds lost weekly and to date).  I have also been weighing in at WW instead (no use stepping on a scale more than I have to!) And so, I am losing - a bit at a time - about 8 lbs according to my WW weigh in's.  What I love even more though, is the lecturer.  I go to either Moore Center on Sat. or to the Monday night weigh in.  I have to go with my shifts and availability to go to the class.  I love listening to Susan.  She is so encouraging.  Sometimes I just want to hug her (haven't yet though) and I find myself agreeing when she does her talk!  Last week she was saying that the thing about WW is the accountability and also the support through the group lecture, and I would agree.  I am in a room with people who are struggling with the same thing (although various degrees) as I am.  I am also very glad that she is not a skinny minny who is telling us how to do things ... but that she is a very real person, and has been there, and is still there in our shoes.  For me, the money I pay each week for the lecture, and the hour and a half out of my evening is so worth it.

It is about a transformation for sure - and I am hoping that this is the time - finally.  This. Is. The. Time.
It just has to be!  30 years after I had my first baby - I am hoping to finally loose the baby weight that I never lost, plus the weight my choices brought on.  I am looking at it in a different way, and I have to say that the sermons from our church on Transformation have helped me in this changed view.  NO, the pastors have not been talking about transformation due to weight loss ... but so many aspects of the sermons have spoken deeply into my struggle with my weight.

HOWEVER, the other day, I was talking to a friend, and had a huge "aha" moment, although I only processed this later.

This quote is taken by an article on the web By RICK NAUERT PHD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on April 1, 2011

"The sudden understanding or grasp of a concept is often described as an “Aha” moment — an event that is typically rewarding and pleasurable.

Usually, the insights remain in our memory as lasting impressions."

I was at Jen's and she was telling me that her dog had been so sick.  I had also seen this on facebook.  He had gotten into chocolate and ate so much that he almost died.  I had heard this about dogs and chocolate before but always thought it was a myth.  Well, not so.  Her dog ate this intense amount - got sick - went to the vet - and it was touch and go as to how he would be.  He survived the incident, came home - and got better.  But she said, just a few days before I dropped by, she noticed he was sick again - and it was very similar.  That is when she noticed.  It had been warm outside, and he had gone and returned to his vomit and ate it again. (sorry, it may be "tmi" for people but it is the truth)  She said that she had covered it up, but the melting weather had uncovered it, and well - there he was and yep, he was sick again.

It made me think of this verse:

Proverbs 26:11

New Living Translation (NLT)

 ¹¹ As a dog returns to its vomit,
      so a fool repeats his foolishness.

but then God used that verse to speak deeply into my being - about me! And, it made an impact.  You see, while I have not "returned to vomit" per se, I have returned to eating things that are not good for me.  Eating things that make me feel gross, or make me feel bad after I have eaten them.  And, I realized that this verse (even though I am not a dog) CAN RELATE to me too, and my stronghold with the chains of food addiction (strong language but true).  I have often said that I don't know WHY I keep doing the things I don't want to - and WHY can't I find success - and WHY do I keep self destructing right about week 3-4.  Or in other words, am I like the fool that continues to return to his/her foolishness or like the dog returning to his vomit.  Oh, that feels severe, and yet, it also feels like truth that when acknowledging it, all of a sudden is a big AHA moment.

God does that.  He brings those AHA moments to my life - often.  And the reality is, if I just say AHA but do nothing - then I am really losing out aren't I?

I want to live fully and embrace all that the Lord brings to my heart and soul, and so -- with these thoughts, I continue to walk ahead.  I won't lie, I am feeling the "3-4 week self destruct syndrome" slightly, but it was a relief to notice that I have not self-destructed this time around.  I have to give the thanks to God, who cares about this part of my life even more than I do.

This journey is not just physical, but very spiritual as well - and I am willing to allow Him to transform me in this way too!  I can hardly wait to see what Feb. will bring!

So now - off I go - going to SEIZE THE DAY!
blessings to you!

the BIGGEST LOSER competition at work

The Biggest Loser!!  Imagine signing on to become this!  It is amazing what you will do for a prize hey!
On Monday of this week, I signed up for the Biggest Loser contest at work.  I actually came in ESPECIALLY to be there at the kick-off.  We celebrated with a glass of Veggie Juice!  We each took turns stepping on the scale.  It had not changed much since I had weighed into WW again on the Saturday before.  I went to WW to get the new stuff for 2012, the new improved plan!  There was no registration fee, and I had to rejoin since I had been away for a few months.  So, it just cost the weekly fee this time.  I think I will go in whenever my shift allows ... or maybe I won't since I am weighing in at work. Time will tell.  For me, I love the accountability of someone else weighing me. Ya, I know.... why do I have to PAY to lose weight!!

So I regressed.  I weighed in on Saturday at WW.  Then I weighed in on Monday at CBS.  And yesterday I really started in earnest - writing my meals down - PLANNING them instead of eating whatever and whenever.  Eating more fruit and veggies.  Watching the fat intake.  Drinking more water. (and therefore going to the can more often!)  You know, I guess I am a slow learner.  I know for a fact that my fibromyalgia responds to the decreased sugar and white flour in my system.  There is less pain.  So why don't I make this a permanent change?  Go figure!

Today was the second day that I was totally on track.  I am happy about that.  My mind already feels clearer.  And I know this happens for me when I eat properly.  I am also happier when I am eating properly.  Alvin can always tell when things are going well in that department!

I have been planning/preparing so that I don't get stuck and have to go through a drive-thru.  I have decided to put some treats in my food plan for the day.  INTENTIONALLY!  I have found an amazing and tasty little treat called PREVENTIA ... um, so good.  4 Points (Weight Watchers) well used!  And it seems to take care of the sugar craving!  OH, and today I had one coffee with cream from Starbucks.  I knew if I got it there, I would also get cream.  It is just the way I do Starbucks.

SO, for the Biggest Loser challenge - we weigh weekly and submit out weights.  There is a monthly prize for the BL.  We are doing this till the end of March.  I am hoping that I can lose at least 20 lbs during this challenge.  (20 would be the first goal for me) (and then followed by lets see ... another 50 lbs or so).  Yep, there is a lot.

I am going to try to not focus on the scale - but instead will use a big belt and mark the changes in it.  And take some pictures as visuals!

Oh, and one more thing.  I want to do at least 150 minutes of intentional exercise per week.  So far I have done 50 minutes.  Tomorrow I am hoping to get back to Curves.  Since my accidental fall down the steps, I have not been able to get in.  Gotta get going again!.

For now- I am heading to bed.  Tomorrow is a new day!
Night.

"Genetics loads the gun ... Lifestyle pulls the trigger"

"Genetics loads the gun.

Lifestyle pulls the trigger."

So I heard this quote today, I think it was on Dr. Oz.  And I have been thinking alot about my life - my genetics - my lifestyle and how they all play into my stronghold/struggle with weight with a capital W!

It seems that I have dragged around the extra weight most of my life.  It didn't seem to be an issue when I was younger. I had "shape" which meant I could easily borrow my sister's funky clothes!  She had nice clothes, and since we shared a bedroom, I often borrowed some of them.  My weight was always a little higher than most of the girls my age.  But I still moved, and did things that I wanted to.  I was a cheerleader from grade 6 until the end of grade 10.  I loved that!  For a few of those years, I was the "captain" of the squad.  I remember though, my waist size was always bigger than most of the girls.    But then again so was my bust size, which meant that overall, I think I was fairly proportionate.

During 1978, I went on a diet from January until September (engagement to wedding day) and when I got married, I had lost between 24-26 lbs depending on the day.  I was pumped, and I looked and felt really good.  I remember some of the new clothes I purchased, and I actually bought a bikini for my honeymoon.  (Alvin still talks about that one, although the bikini was short lived!)

My mom, she was always carrying a little extra.  Her and I share the same height I think.  And, she was a great cook, and well - she was always entertaining some family!  So we ate well.  I never ever was made to feel like I was too big, or fat, or anything like that.  My mom was the one that helped me lose the weight before I got married, basically by helping me with portion sizes.  It seemed so easy then!  WHY IS EVERYTHING SUPER SIZED NOW!!!

Growing up I loved playing outside.  I loved playing soccer.  I loved playing baseball.  I practiced with the track team at lunch.  I was however pathetic at those things we had in schools - earning the red participation badges while others got the coveted gold, silver and bronze!!  I took skating lessons.  It has been a long time since I have skated!  (I never quite learned to be successful at "shoot the duck" during skating lessons!)

My life today and for the past few years has been fairly sedentary.  I think about doing outside stuff but the reality is, I don't have proper outside clothing. I am not sure if my sedentary life makes my fibromyalgia pain and stiffness greater, or if it is the other way around.  It is just such a Catch 22 with the pain!

Anyhow - yesterday I signed up for "the Biggest Loser" at work.  Today I got word from one of the women on the wellness committee.  Monday is the kick-off and first weigh in.
I am excited about doing this challenge with others.  Of course I would love to win the challenge - mostly for my own satisfaction!  And for my own health.  But doing something, no matter how small is better than doing nothing.

Is weight a bigger issue because of genetics?  I guess it does have something to do with it but the reality is, genetics is not an excuse for being overweight!  I am really really tired of the sadness and the struggle with the stronghold.  SO it is time to get going.  I have to change my lifestyle.  I have to get moving.  To get eating properly.  To get watching my portions.  To get eating the things that bring wholeness to my being instead of stuff that just contributes to the smoking gun!!
I like the quote:

"Genetics loads the gun.

Lifestyle pulls the trigger."

But now it is time to DO something about it!!

Here I go! (forgive me for saying that before ~~~ oh Lord, help this to be the time that I make it!)

Another crack at the same old thing!! 2012

2012

What will this year hold?  Last year did NOT hold much weight loss, perhaps 5 lbs that have actually stayed off!!  Oh, what a thorn in the flesh this extra weight is.  It prickles and festers ... it constantly reminds me of where things are at in my physical body.  Thing is - I can't figure it out.  I can not figure out WHY I "keep giving it over to God" and yet I keep struggling with it!  I guess I just have never left Egypt's slavery!!

Two days ago, it was very timely for me to be on my treadmill and listening to Beth Moore's DVD that I downloaded, for Stepping Up - Session 3.
She said some very powerful things.  She was teaching on how God surrounds His people.  And read from Deuteronomy 16: 9-12 where it talks about the FEAST OF WEEKS which was a time for the people to "remember their former bondage and to be able to testify about it"

Then she said "we feel like we lose something when we give it to God.  Lose something that's comforted us for years and has been watered with tears!  If we do not grow weary - it will come!"

I could not help but think of the endless tears I have shed over my struggle with my weight.  I could not help but think of when I sometimes think that "I will quit eating this for a while, and when I am thin ..." only to realize I have not ever tasted the sweet taste of success here!  (apart from losing weight before I got married).  I could not help but think of the times it just seemed to take forever, and I "threw in the towel" or "fell off the wagon" so to speak, only to pick myself up and try again.  Somehow though, I am glad that I still WANT to keep trying.  I have not totally given up!  I know what feeling lighter feels like!

And then Beth said this:  "Whatever it happens that you are tired of - tell God you're sorry that your promises have been broken.  There IS a great deliverance.  There IS the power of God to pull down every single vain imagination that leads us back into the depths of the pit!  YOU DO NOT HAVE THE ONE STRONGHOLD, THE ONE ADDICTION, THE ONE CONTINUALLY DESTRUCTIVE CYCLE THAT IS TOO STRONG FOR GOD TO BREAK!  YOU DO NOT HAVE IT!!  IT DOES NOT EXIST!  IF YOU TAKE GOD AT HIS WORD, THEN YOU HAVE GOT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE FREE!!"

Okay, the BIG BOLD STATEMENTS really spoke out to me!  Bottom line?  God can take down any and all strongholds!  There is nothing He can not break!  Do I believe it?

It is now the 5th of January!  I did not write resolutions down, but in my head ~ you have to know already that losing weight is front and foremost in my thoughts.  At work we are having a "biggest loser" contest and I am going to sign on.  Talk about accountability.

I want to do it!  

2012

 ~ fresh year ~ fresh start~ 

Here I go.

you gotta do it body soul and mind ~ but its for your heart

Last post on the 17th of September.
Next weigh-in on the 1st of October.
All my good intentions somehow dissolved in the midst of busy-ness, and stress.
Darn!
Why does that happen?

Okay ... so, on Saturday, when I sucked it up and weighed in - I was up.
Not proud of that.
However, the lecture is what I needed again, and well - this is another week.

Susan talked about "enjoying the journey" and "you have to be your OWN director!!"  remember the title of my last post??  Seems I didn't take it to heart!!
ANYHOW .. here are some of her timely quotes at the lecture:

"You have to know WHY you are doing what you are doing"
"What are the benefits?"
"You have to care for yourself!"
"Success comes from your own personal journey!"
"Be YOU ~ Be Genuine ~ Be honest ~ BE GOOD TO YOU!"
"If you want to lose weight ~ you gotta do it body, soul and mind but it's actually for your HEART!"

hmmm..... this woman speaks things that resonate with this heart!!

Here are my thoughts to the above quotes:
On my cell phone, I have a greeting on the front, and there I wrote these words "REMEMBER WHY" and they are exactly there to remind me why I am trying to stay on the journey of weight loss.  WHY I am doing what I am doing and the benefits are almost the same things:

• to live longer (Lord Willing) due to adopting a healthier life style
• having more time to spend with my grand kids, and being able to run/walk/chase/lift/play with them and being around to see them grow up
• to feel better about myself - physically, emotionally, and mentally.  Socially too - as perhaps then I will feel like going out more.
• to look better (okay I really really want to get out of the plus size clothing, the baggy look)
• to reduce my risks of breast cancer, diabetes, heart disease etc...  this all runs in my family
• to be a good role model

Yes, I know that I have to care for myself.  The other day I heard that mothers often put themselves last.  And I agree with that - there are other people to care for.  But as Alvin says, if I get sick - I won't be able to care for anyone anyway so I really need to put myself and my needs first.  (easier said than done!)

Success comes from my own personal journey - totally agree.  No one put the weight ON me ... so I have to take it OFF myself too.  BUT I love the support of family, and friends walking the same road!

Which is why I like Weight Watchers - as we are all there for the same reasons.  We get one another!

Be honest - genuine - hmmm... think this includes putting that cake pop down on the tracker!  Who am I really trying to fool?  Only myself.  And that doesn't work anyhow.  


Bottom line - I have to invest fully in this journey - and know that it may be a long journey - may be alot of walking uphill - or perhaps slipping a few steps back.  The journey is not easy.  I know that from past experience.  I do know that God can be and IS my strength if I Trust him with this part of my life.  Do I?  O Lord, I want to.  


I sometimes think that it has really become a spiritual struggle - mixed up with the physical one.  Don't know quite how to explain that other than that is how it feels.  When I am in the Word, and getting my daily bread from the Lord - I am not struggling (as much) but then there are some days when it feels like everything has broken loose and those days do not feel good!


Ultimately it affects my heart (spiritually) and my heart (physically)
So Lord, I give you my life again, laying down my struggle with weight, and ask for your guidance, your direction on this journey - as long and hard and uphill as it may be.  May I walk with my hand tightly in yours!  Amen.

"I am the boss of Me!"

So, I have had a full week, including an out of town mobile with my job - which meant I was out of town, in a hotel for night, and not at home where I could plan the next meal.  That being said - it was a good time away and things were written down in my food journal - and I planned what I would put into my mouth INCLUDING the mini cupcake and piece of cake that the volunteer made for us to enjoy.  It actually helped the sugar crave!

I really worked hard at keeping myself accountable - and at writing things down.  HOWEVER I was somewhat lacking in the exercise department - that on top of being sick with a head/chest cold meant there was definitely more down time than exercise time!

I wanted to get back into checking into the meeting at the church on Monday night - but I found myself back at the Moore Center on Thursday night.  I was worried that the week was not going to work for a weigh - in due to the fact that my shifts were all over the place.  But Thursday worked for me.  So there I went.  It was weird because I knew I had had a good week - but I was still nervous to weigh in.

Up the steps I went - I was a little late - the lecture had already begun.  One of the women behind the counter came and weighed me in and to my great delight - and I will admit to my surprise - I was down 4.4 lbs.  WOOHOO.... the person weighing me in gave me a nice star and was so encouraging.  I am happy to loose 1-2 lbs per week - or worst case scenario, to remain the same.  But this was such a delightful surprise!!

I sat down then, and joined into the lecture.  The lecturer is very very (did I say VERY) energetic.  I think she said she has lost 75 lbs.  I sat there and listened and was just basking in the results - because you see I have not been down to this number on the scale in a very very long time!!  With weight watchers (ups and downs) I have only now lost 4.4 but I had lost a few pounds just prior to signing up again with WW so in all I have lost about 9.  I am thrilled.

This week's W.W. "weekly" had an article called "You're the Boss of You!"  The lecture was "how important is weight loss to me?"  and "what does working at it 100% look like?"  The bottom line is that giving the journey 100% means a number of things such as ACTIVITY, PORTION CONTROL, PLANNING and TRACKING FOOD CHOICES, and adopting GOOD HEALTH GUIDELINES and about DRINKING WATER.

Her challenge to us was :  This week - make sure you follow the guidelines 100% on a minimum of 4 days including at least 1 day from the weekend.  AND reflect on how things went!  I figure I can do this - AND I hope I have a great weigh in again this coming week!  I just feel like if I can keep going - and heading in the right direction - once I get the momentum, I will be unstoppable!  This is my hope!!  Weigh-in here I come!!

self defeat ~ WHY?

This is what I wrote in my weight watchers TRACKER book on August 29th:  "be careful, this is usually when you fall off the wagon"

So why is it that I know my hard weeks - (usually around week 3) but somehow still self-destruct!  It is the strangest and most frustrating thing that I know something and yet I continue to self defeat!  What the heck is all that about?

August 29th was a bit over a week ago - and since then, well to say it was a struggle would not be completely accurate.  To say that all caution was thrown to the wind would be more like it!  It is embarrassing.  Really really embarrassing.  To be so honest about such a stronghold in my life!  I often think that there are very real similarities between my struggle with food, and another person's struggle with their "addiction".  Food is just a little more acceptable.  OR, IS IT?

Is it acceptable to be overweight.  As much as I would like to say yes, coming from one who is "morbidly obese" (yes, doesn't that just have a "ring" to it!) ... I think that even though it is my struggle and mine alone ... it is also the struggle of many of us.  Funny thing is - whether we want to admit it or not - people do pass judgment on those who are overweight/obese.   I will admit that people think that those who are carrying too much weight are just not trying hard enough.  (so AM I TRYING ?  or am I just fooling myself!)

I am just really feeling down.  BUT my friend just told me to "take courage" and so I have decided to do just that... and once again, will give it to God and hopefully try not to take it back right away.  Why do I do that?  It is certainly not because I think I can better!  Because obviously I am not.  In fact - if I had just saved all the money that I have spent on Weight Watchers, etc... I could probably afford a "diet surgery" if you know what I mean!  But that is not teaching me anything and besides, I would never do that.

I am glad that I am not giving up and just laying down!  I am glad that I still want to get up one more time than I have fallen off!  I am glad that God has not given up on me - even if I self destruct at three weeks!

Tonight at WW (after my weigh in - where I was up the amount that I had lost) the lecturer said something and I wrote it down - because it is true.

"although no one can go and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending"  - unknown

In other words - crying over the past does not change my past (in the weight loss department) however - I can bring change to it ... and end well! and healthier! and weigh less!
This is my desire.  O Lord - somehow I am not learning how to give it all to you - but please help me to .... I am so tired of the same old problem!!  Lord, please help me - change me - give me strength.  Amen


ps
so .... after I posted this - up pops an ad for WEIGHT LOSS BANDS .... honestly?