accountability

I just finished talking to my friend Elizabeth. Elizabeth and I met through "lose it for life" a christian weight loss program, back in November of 2007 - I can't remember who wrote the post first, but none-the-less we connected via the "board" on that ministry site, and then began to email. Elizabeth and I are so similar, we just always laugh and continue to be amazed at how God takes two people and makes them friends - and has them share many of the same similarities. For instance - we both are in ministry. (Hers is paid, mine at this time is not) We are similar age, and have each given birth to two children. Zephaniah 3:17 (I just found out) is one of her favorite verses too. And, get this... when I did the 52 things about myself (on my birthday) we laughed when she told me that she had been a cheerleader too!!


The thing that brings us together on the phone as well - is the fact that we are both travelling along the weight journey! We decided a while ago to become accountability partners. I have the phone plan to the states, and she has the unlimited cell phone minutes. HOWEVER I am not the most reliable caller!! But we also encourage one another through email, and Facebook as well. (I just realized that when we move and use our cell phones only, I may have to look into SKYPE)


Where am I going with this?

Well - we just talked, and as we always do - we ended with prayer for one another. There is something very very sweet about being in the presence of the Almighty even though we (her and I) are on the phone and miles apart. We just sense the Lord within our midst! I realize (whenever I get off the phone) how much I love having someone that holds me accountable. It is different than a family member. (Poor Alvin - I ask him to keep me accountable and then IF he asks, I sometimes get defensive!!)


Tonight I shared with Elizabeth - that lately I have been so busy with packing, running errands, etc HOWEVER my eating hasn't been too bad. I said I want to increase the veggies and the legumes. I always feel better when I eat more of those groups. I also asked her to pray on my behalf, that I would be more intentional about thinking before I eat - and noticing WHY I am eating, and if I am HUNGRY or what I am feeling, and to stop eating when I am satisfied.


Years ago, when I did the WEIGH DOWN program, it felt like it became second nature to eat only when hungry and stop when satisfied. But somewhere over the past 11 years, I have lost touch with that part!! Now, my tendency would be just... to eat.

Tired? Eat.

Happy? Eat.

Sad? Eat.

Mad? Eat

Bored? you guessed it... EAT.


Yep I pretty much have worked with the assumption that eating is the answer to almost anything. Thing is - I don't really even think about it. It has somehow just become my "default" button. I don't like that. And I really don't think the answer to everything is stuffing my face!

I realize that with the Lord's help - I am making headway. I am not "defaulting" as often.

But, I want to have it happen more often than not. I want to be more intentional about also being in tune with myself - what I am feeling... what I am thinking...what I am wanting and why. I realize that lately my exercise is lacking. I have not run. I have not walked lately. I HAVE gone to curves though (that is good!). I changed the exercise minutes goal back to 240 instead of the running total, as I was so far behind it was depressing! I don't need anything to make me feel like a loser. I quite easily fall into that trap on my own!

I also realize that I am making better choices. For instance I baked this morning - chocolate chip cookies - our fav recipe. Ordinarily (I shared this with Elizabeth) I would have eaten half the dough before I baked the other half! (okay maybe not half) However, this morning - I did not do that! I think I took 2 tastes. Just 2. That is a great improvement. YAY ME!!


It is hard. It is a journey. I want to claim victory in this, and I know that with God I can in 2010! That is my decision - to take it one step at a time. I have tried all kinds of quick loss plans, and have been temporarily successful. But - I need to change my heart - my attitude - my way of thinking - and change my "default" button!


I appreciated my phone call and prayer time with Elizabeth... she is a gift to me.
She is a friend. A companion along this weight journey. She listens, she shares, she prays.
And I ~ I am thankful!

it doesn't feel so good eating past satisfied!

Yesterday was a "in the city all day" type of day. Curves was at the beginning, and meeting friends for supper and then ice-cream was the grand finale!

So, as we travelled the short distance from Gaffers, Lockport to Half-Moon for ice-cream, I was telling myself (in my head) "no, you are satisfied - and you are going to go in, but you are not going to order ice-cream". Okay, you have to know, that H.M. is my favorite ice-cream place. My favorite flavor? Peanutbutter and Chocolate! (always a great combo!)

We got in the l-o-n-g lineup and as we inched forward I was pretty confident that "no, none for me" was my decision. So then, Alvin got his "hazelnut Irish cream frozen yogurt" and our friends ordered theirs, and then I ordered mine. Yep you heard it right... a small hazelnut Irish cream frozen yogurt please.

So I ate it - the WHOLE thing. And I sat on my way home with extreme "buyer's remorse" over my decision because I had eaten past satisfied, and honestly, I felt yucky to boot!

Why did I do that? Hm.. the million dollar question. Why have I done that most of my life?
Another million dollar question. I really want that to be the last time I do that... really.

I know, today is a new day. A fresh start. It began with coffee in the gazebo and then a walk with my man. Felt good to walk. Something in me says, get running again now that my knees feel better. I just gotta eat within hungry and satisfied and get moving these legs! That is the answer!

It sounds so easy... guess I should adopt Nike's slogan and Just Do It!

First time out of the house all week!

I am at my favorite coffee place ... Mountain Bean. This is truly the first time out of my house this week! I have been packing like a mad woman... that has literally been the only exercise for me except for 2 days - where I actually intentionally did something. I guess I could feel bad ~ especially when I look at my exerciser ticker - which is supposed to help keep me motivated. I look and see that the week goes till end of next Monday AND I am already two weeks behind! I could do one of two things. 1) just let that in itself be a motivator to get my butt in gear more often or 2) take the "weekly goal" part off the ticker and just leave it as the big number of minutes to exercise. I opt for the first one! Otherwise I would really just be trying to cover something up! (the fact that I have not been exercising and in this case it is not the thought that counts!)

So - up early for my day out! The packing is not happening today. It feels wonderful!
I dropped Alvin off and proceeded on to Curves for a work-out and shower! Ah, so good! I love it there! I can hardly wait until I am living closer. Somehow right now driving in purely for a curves work-out isn't something I am doing - but living on Henderson will be much more convenient!!

So - I had wanted to weigh in on Tuesday past - but as I said I was not at Curves. At home I do own a scale which all my family weighs on. (It has sat under the big bench at the front door for years!) But it is not digital and doesn't do the "point something" of a pound. So... today I weighed.... and I was DOWN!!! I was down 1.4 lbs to be exact. So, I am very thankful.

I know that the scale isn't everything. I also know that the scale can become a "god" if we let it. I also know that it is how we "feel" that means everything - but baby, I am so glad for every single point of a pound I can lose! I am 1.4 lbs closer to my first goal of 20 (20.2) lbs.

YES

got the walking shoes on again (finally!)

So yesterday - amidst the packing, I took time out to "walk" (not run) on the treadmill. I logged 33 minutes. That was at least something. My "exercise" is lacking alot these days! I am behind in the minutes that I want to log per week. It always happens that way - my life gets stressed and the first thing to go down the toilet (so to speak) is my exercise! AND I was wanting to weigh in at Curves, and due to the packing up - will not likely get in there until Friday. So, the first weigh in will be overdue!!

However - I am doing well in the eating (or not over eating) department! I did realize however that I am missing out on my nuts/seeds and legumes. I had actually really come to enjoy those. So - I am hoping to get those in daily again... and keep plugging along.

With the intensity of these months ahead during our build - the one thing we are looking forward to (as a family) is to go some place wonderful and exotic in October. And well - you know what that means (insert the music from "Jaws" here)... it means "bathing suit time".

Oh, not a good thought right now - but with each day - it is getting better. This trip, I want to buy myself a nice new bathing suit! So, on with the hard work... on with getting my butt in gear literally to shape up. And, even though I am behind in the minutes - I will keep plugging on! The minutes I want to log are up until the week we go away! (and Lord willing, I can catch up with the ones I am lagging behind in!)

And today I want to make sure to make good healthy eating choices!

These are the things I want to do for myself:

1. start the day off with my QT with the Lord. Commit the day to Him right off the hop.
2. eat when hungry
3. eat sitting down in a calm environment
4. eat without distractions so that I am aware of what I am eating, and how it tastes
5. eat only until satisfied (even if it means leaving something on my plate)
6. drink my water
7. weigh no more than once per week (usually on Tuesdays)
8. plan exercise into my day (240 minutes per week is my goal)

So - here's to today!!

Yesterday was a one donut day!

So, the title - "yesterday was a one donut day" is the truth! I ate a donut. I willingly bought it, and ate it - and the thing is, actually two things.... 1) I bought it not intending to buy it in the first place and 2) I ate it knowing it was not going to make me feel good after and oh, one more thing... 3) it wasn't even very good but I ate the whole thing!

A one donut day. At least I didn't buy TWO donuts!

Why resort to the donut? Well - feeling somewhat stressed. I realize I have this "default" (no surprise there) of eating when stressed. So, with that - I am glad it was just the ONE donut. No ice cream. No pop. Just a donut.

At one time that would have sent me into a feeding frenzy - but yesterday it didn't. So, I have realized that I have begun to change. Slowly but certainly.

Exercise lately, has been another thing. The last time I ran, which was Wed or Thursday - my knees bothered me for the rest of the day. Then we worked at the land and my whole body bothered me...
And yesterday... well, you see. Excuses and justifying WHY I have not exercised is very easy. So with that - I am going to just say - I am learning.

Off to WALK. And then to pack. Talk later!

the weekend

Today is Sunday and I realize that I have not done any exercise (intentional i.e. at Curves, or on the treadmill) since - let's see... perhaps Wed or Thursday. In fact, the last time I ran, I could not run as long as I wanted as my knees were bothering me. I realize (I think) that really, with the weight I have on - I should WALK not run.

But my weekend has been away from home, and full. And by the time I get home - I can not muster up the energy to do anything except fall asleep. Tonight was the first time I actually got home at an hour where there could have been exercise time available.

As far as eating since Friday - my eating plan has been off...
It makes sense - as some of the things we have done have been spur of the moment, as in when I had to leave Friday for the land, and had about a 10 minute frame to get ready.

I also realize that as things are heating up - not just with working outside in the heat, with sweat literally rolling down into our eyes - but that we are getting closer to moving out... I am feeling overwhelmed already and I know that THAT is not a good thing. I think I have to get it together ... and keep my eyes on the goal! God is my strength. I always have to remember that - even when our plans sometimes change on the spur of the moment.

I guess the good thing is that working outside on the foundation (as I have done Monday, Saturday and today) is a workout in itself. In fact this morning, I could hardly move...
And, well ~ sweatting is good for me too right?

Tomorrow is a new day! Thank you Lord.

I want to truly live in the "now" of life

We found an old video tape. It is actually very funny. When we got together as an extended family yesterday we laughed and laughed at it. MOST of it is my two kids, Josh who is 6 and Ashley who is 3 - as the main stars of the video. But here and there were clips of other family members. There is something however, that when I watched yesterday, it hit me ...
At one point we are gathered around the dinner table at my in-laws on a Sunday. Mom put out the cake to enjoy. As well there was a bowl of whipping cream and a bowl of strawberries in juice. This of course was to compliment the piece of cake! Well, here is what struck me. I only took some of the fruit while others enjoyed the whole dessert.

This made me think of my birthday (just a month ago or so) when Ashley asked me if I wanted a cake (knowing I was "watching" what I ate) and I intentionally said sure, I would like a fruit pizza as a cake. I blew out the candles. And I ate a piece of my own birthday cake realizing that normally, for years, I did not celebrate with a birthday cake for myself (with the exception of the cake Meggie bought for me at work) because well - "I couldn't as I was on a diet, or a food plan or whatever!" Really, not that avoiding the birthday cake got me any closer to shedding these extra pounds. And - I am learning alot about myself - and about eating - or not eating - and about the journey I am on, and have been on for 30+ years of my life!

What I am learning is also something I read - and aha moment - in the book by Gineen Roth, same one I mentioned in another post. I realize that my life has become about my weight! I have become so burdened with it that my focus has become so narrow.

Here is what Gineen says on page 60-61 of Women Food and God:
You need to address the weight because without addressing it, you don't actually live. You schlep yourself from place to place, out of breath. You become so burdened with the problem you've created that your life becomes small and your focus becomes narrow. Life becomes about your limitations. What you can and cannot do. How much you can hide. How ashamed you are of yourself. If you keep using food as a drug, if your life becomes about your weight, you miss everything that is not related to your weight problem. you die without ever having lived.

You miss the life that happens in the middle zone - between now and what you think your life should be like.

I have realized, and it was just accented again yesterday when I saw myself take only the fruit because I couldn't have the rest!! (I thought) I realized that I have lived within so many diets and restrictions but have not gotten any further ahead, and instead have made that my life! It makes me very sad to admit that. There was always the past and the future when I WOULD FINALLY BE SKINNY! (hate to admit that too!) and in the meantime, I have missed out on the here and now in many ways!

What sadness that brings!

I have said for a long long time that I want to embrace life fully! To live on the edge! (yep me, the one who is afraid of heights and water... the one who is afraid to eat a piece of her own cake YET loves to eat the stuff when alone!) I am saying again... I DO WANT TO EMBRACE LIFE FULLY and have decided to do it through my senses.... to feel the bubbles on my skin when I do dishes... to feel the sun on my skin when I am outside.... to hear the way the leaves rustle or the way my Grandson Everett squeals with delight. I want to smell his fragrant baby smell. I want to savor the rich taste of fresh bold black coffee. I will also enjoy the taste of a piece of good chocolate, or a slice of birthday cake.

I am wanting to live fully - to experience God in all things and all aspects of my life. I do not want to worry any longer about lists and rules. I instead want to allow the Holy Spirit within me to guide me in recognizing when my body needs food, and when it is satisfied. I am relearning HUNGRY feelings and SATISFIED feelings. I am trying to live in grace instead of legalism (yes, that affects my weight journey as well!) And I really want this so that I will become a woman after God's own heart, who pays attention to keeping my body (the temple of the Holy Spirit within) healthy and strong. I have to regain some lost time, but I know that in his strength, I can do it!

Today I have decided to get back in touch with eating when I am hungry (physically) and stopping when I am satisfied. It is a good thing I am a slow eater! I also want to get in touch with the times I am "emotionally" hungry and go to God for that fill-up! This journey is not just physical.... I know that all too well. One day at a time - with God.

HE rejoices over me - and wants me to rejoice over all that He has made me, and given me... instead of looking into the mirror and lamenting over what I have allowed my body to become! It is a journey - and I know I will be in it for the long haul. With His strength - I will be victorious. Thanks for listening to my rambling.

For today, on top of the above decisions, I need to get drinking water again. And, yesterday I ran and had some trouble with my knees. So, perhaps I will not run as much.... even though I am so close to the end of the Couch Potato to 5K running guide...
I need to make exercise both a priority, and also just look for ways to become more active! Here's to today! Friday!!