clay

Isaiah 64:8

New Living Translation (NLT)

And yet, O Lord, you are our Father.We are the clay, and you are the potter.We all are formed by your hand.

Somehow I keep forgetting that I am NOT on this journey alone

Somehow I keep forgetting that without HIM (my Lord and God) that I am weak

and that I am just, well, I am just clay

CLAY that is crumbly and cracked

Seems that I like to go it on my own

running ahead of HIM

much like a little kid - running, laughing, and sometimes looking over her shoulder 

much like a little kid - sampling all the good things that taste good at the time

only to feel gross later

I am not on this journey alone.

And yet - when things get going well - 

I seem to just keep running - only to keep winging it ...

and then

well, then there is a down day

and instead of just giving it to God and carrying on

no, this girl runs ahead - and sometimes even binges on things that taste good - but are so empty!

yep, she does.

YEP, I DO!!

let's see - usually those things that taste good - involve chocolate!

sometimes I wish I HATED chocolate like my friend M who only likes Toblerone but can make one triangular bar last forever!!

But that is not me

And the more that I indulge - whether it be chocolate - or baking - or well perhaps those salty potato chips

The more I indulge - the worse I feel - and the deeper it seems I get

and then I just want to "restart"

WHAT THE HECK?  WHY DOES THAT HAPPEN.

I see the pattern - the running ahead - the fall behind - the feeling down - the feeling like I just failed again.

Those feelings are NEVER far from the surface.

Those feelings are NEVER good - they just seem to push me farther - my face into the dust (again)

SIGH

O Lord - I don't want to do this on my own - because I CAN'T

That is so obvious.

I am that hunk of clay that sits crumbly - and broken - and cracked (and feeling rather dusty)

And then - I realize that your hands - are right here - and they have clay around the edges of your fingernails

I realize that I am still unfinished - 

You are still working on me

I am beautiful even though I am looking crumbly and cracked!

I realize that without the POTTER - well, this hunk of clay is just well, just a hunk of clay!!  

But in your hands, I become a beautiful vessel through which you pour your life - your strength.

The clay never tells the potter what to make - 

The potter is the one that is creating, and molding, and well - sometimes taking the lump on an adventure - making something beautiful!

Guess being clay is not so bad!!

So Lord - I am feeling a little crumbly these days

Please forgive me for running ahead and help me to trust myself completely into YOUR HANDS

and to do my part at walking in obedience -

in ALL things ...

even the things that I eat

the exercise that I do

the steps that I walk

Help me to be SO conscious that I am NOT on this journey alone!

You are holding me tightly in your clay stained hands ...

Thank you Lord!

Dusting myself off!! (yet again!)

Again, it has been three weeks since I blogged.  3 weeks.  Hard to believe.  Time flies when you are having fun (or when you are overwhelmed with just the fullness of life!!)  HOWEVER .. life does carry on through those times.  Let me give you a little recap for the past three weeks.

When I posted last - I was in week 4.  And week 4 was good.  I was actually pretty proud of myself that I did not succumb to the normal 3 week self-destruction.  I can not figure that one out, for the life of me, and well - I did see a person once about my issues around food - and my issues around self-destructive behaviours but let's face it - I sat there, paid big bucks and really didn't get too far - and well - I could not justify the expense (our blue cross only covers a little bit for licensed counsellors or whatever they are called)

Even though week 4 was "good" - I did not lose anything weight wise - I stayed the same.  But inches - I lost 1.2  inches.  Kim (Curves Coach) says that is why she likes to always weigh AND measure because sometimes the weight is not the true indicator - the inches is.
I was determined that week 5 would be better.  And well - it was.  I was down 2 lbs and also .3 inches.
(sometimes just the change of a bra can add the inches - or subtract them) I like that it is always Kim that is measuring - as she has been at it for years - and also knows where she puts the tape measure etc.

I went into week 6 SO proud that yep, I had made it past that really bad "prone to destruction" week.  However - not sure what happened this week - there was a long weekend (aka "cottage time with family) and then supper at Pineridge Hollow with the girls - and well - then there was a going away party for my niece - and then, let's see .... yep, you hear me.  LIFE HAPPENS right?  In the end that week - I only got to curves 2x!  TWO TIMES!!! I had been going 5 times a week.
Anyhow when I weighed in at Curves on Monday morning - I was UP!  (am I surprised?  well actually I thought I would just stay the same again)  But NO.  I was up - .8 of a pound.  My inches were down only by .3 of an inch.

Kim, who normally weighs and measures me - she was on holidays - but she still wanted me to weigh in.  Julie did the honors!  (NOT) Poor Julie - there she was - with a sad face for me - as I talked about how disappointed I was - and yadda yadda ... IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO LOSE WEIGHT I AM SURE YOU KNOW THE THINGS WE SAY!  Needless to say, I walked out of there - deflated.
Yep - D-E-F-L-A-T-E-D.  (hmmmm..... guess pride came before the fall!)

I intended to just give it - and run through the next week with gusto, but if I am totally honest - I think I just felt so yucky about myself, that it was permission for me to ... yes, you know it .... permission for me to eat.  Oh I hate admitting that.  I hate admitting that I defaulted to old ways.

Well, the rest of the week is a blurr.  I worked one shift (and did not take my lunch, and well - didn't make the wisest choices! which makes sense, this often happens the day that I weigh in.)
And then my husband and I were small group leaders at our church for VBS - and you know - without even giving it any thought, I ate each snack that the kids had ... blue jello cloud shaped pieces, whipping cream and strawberries cut to make a heart; popcorn; chocolate pudding layered with whipping cream, yes .... no thought at all.  SIMPLY NONE!

There was not a single day that I "followed my curves plan" ... in fact, I didn't even print off a current copy.  I never ate supper at home - hardly ate any greens - water intake fell - and then I DID try to get back on track on Thursday - and "planned" for pizza ... but Friday - it was just messy again.  I did a full fledged self-destruct!!  I wrote to Kim - via email and told her about my struggling - and she - in the way that only Kim can - gave me encouragement and brought my thoughts back again to what exactly I was trying to do!!  Her reply was on Sunday afternoon.  It was not until Monday that I got back to the basics - and began to fill out my Curves Complete food plan - and began anew to follow it diligently!

I fall so often - but I actually thought this time was going to be different - but it really wasn't.  It took me a while to dust myself off and get my rear in gear again - and begin to step forward.  It is so easy to call myself a failure - or a loser - and to do the "woe is me" thing.  But I have gotten back into the groove.
I could not weigh in yesterday ... or today - but I have made an appointment for Thursday.  Oh Lord, please help me to weigh LESS THAN I did last week.  For my self-esteem especially.  I feel like I have wasted two weeks of the 12 week program.  (No the program goes longer - but in the 12 weeks - you are given the tools that are needed) and then you continue on for 12 more weeks, and then 12 more, and ...

I have stepped up the greens.  I have stepped up the water intake.  I have stepped up the exercise.
I hope I will step DOWN on the scale!  But if not - well - I will just carry on - I realize this is not something that will happen over night.  My weight has been part of my life for 30 years ... it is not going to just disappear without some hard work.

THAT BEING SAID ... I am getting closer to a point on the scale - that I have not seen in years!!  THAT IS EXCITING!!

Curves Complete also has daily motivational dvd clips.  I have not watched them often over the past two weeks or so - so I need to catch up.  I turned to the one on PRAYER.  Now, the owners are believers in Jesus Christ - and their faith shows up in these video clips.  In the one on prayer, he encourages each one to include God in our day - right off the hop.  To forgive yourself for the failures in the past.  To have an attitude of gratitude and the last thing he says is:  "begin your day in prayer ~ that is the most important focus for every day."

You see - that hit home - because I am so ready to take my issues - and to try to wing it on my own.  I include God ... and then somehow I just go off and running and well, you see where that gets me!!  (And where it has gotten me over life!)  

SO I want to commit each day to him and get back in the process of giving him my day - first off.  I told Alvin yesterday that there are a couple things I want to do - I want to get up early - and ride my bike and have my quiet time with the Lord.  

I did that today.  I also ate better today.  I also went to the Curves Zumba class today.

I have a whole better outlook this week - and even if on Thursday, the scale does not indicate my resolve to get back on course - I will continue on - step by step - with God!! 

Last week at VBS we learned some truths - and the kids were great at repeating them very loudly!!  Today - they are still running through my head.  I figure I need to apply them.

SO.... let's say it out loud. 

Everything is possible with God

Everything

No matter where you are

TRUST GOD

No matter what people do to you

TRUST GOD

No matter who you are

TRUST GOD

No matter what you do

TRUST GOD

so, with that ... I am going to get going - got some dishes to do!!

I will let you know on Thursday how the week went!

And I am going to try not to get dusty this week!!

In my 4th week of Curves Complete program

Well now - it has been a little bit since I journalled.  Last week it was a goal of mine to increase my steps (sometimes getting in 10,000 is harder than other days!) and I also wanted to journal my thoughts.
I think I did that once on my blog.  SO this week, my "goals" for the week were the same!

I had to weigh in on Tuesday instead of Monday because I worked and by the time I could get in after my shift - Kim (manager, who also is my encourager, my inspiration, my cheerleader and mentor in this program) would have gone home for the day.  SO I went yesterday.

First I biked!  I am trying to do some biking every day.  It is pathetic actually - I am still stuck at going 4-6 kms per ride.  I need to increase that, but like I said after NOT being on a bike for 20+ years, I am cutting myself some slack!! (insert happy face here!!)

Then I got my stuff together and went to Curves for the weigh and measure - after completing week 3!
I was actually surprised AND yes, quite disappointed when I got on and it was EXACTLY the same weight as the week before!  (insert sad face) BUT as Kim said, that is why she likes to weigh AND measure every week!  So she did.  I was down in body fat AND down in every area by half an inch (except for my bust, which was likely because I had a different bra on).  WOOHOO.... I was encouraged by this.  SO the stats are:

Since July 9:
Total Measurements:  228.5 to 221.30 :  total inches lost:  7.2 inches!!
Weight:  4.2 lbs (on top of the other weight I lost prior to starting  - so I have lost in total almost 17)
Body Fat:  48.2 to 46.3 - so that is good, I am coming down.  Total:  1.9
(I went up the first week, likely because the time of day I had weighed in/measured)

I am pretty happy ... but the other thing I am very conscious about is that normally I self-destruct right around the 3 week mark.  I am feeling a little of that tension happening these days - but I am convinced that I am going to (with God's help!!) NOT self-defeat this time around!  Still wondering why I always do that - it is like a self-fulfilling prophecy in my area of weight loss!!  Anyhow - here I go - into week 4 feeling so confident!!

I am thankful that God is my strength in all areas of my life.  It says in Psalms (don't have the scripture reference handy though) that "with God I can scale a wall!!"  I know that with GOD - the wall I can scale will be the one to healthier happier life style.  I believe HE does care about how I feel and how I treat my body which is "the temple of the holy spirit" ... so with HIM I can, and I will.  O Lord - help me to find victory through you!  This is my prayer.

Curves Complete ~ one day at a time & lovin' it!

Once I finished at the Wellness Institute - I knew I needed to get back into the swing of the routine at Curves.  I love Curves.  There are many reasons why, but one of them is that the staff are so friendly and encouraging.  Because I had lost weight (a bit before F,F,F and then 10 during the 10 week FFF program) and I did not want to gain any back - instead I wanted to continue to reduce!!
SO back I went into Curves, and asked Kim about the Curves Complete program.  I guess the thing that attracted me - was the COMPLETE deal - diet - exercise - motivation.  I NEED accountability and Kim has become a friend over the years - and she was also willing to help me keep accountable.
Kim has also lost considerable weight which is what got our conversation going - I told her how great she looked and how she took the weight off.  Answer:  the Curves Complete program.
SO I signed up.  YES I PAID SOME MORE MONEY (story of my life and weight struggle).  I signed on for the 3 month program.  ALTHOUGH with needing to lose 75 lbs total - I will need to be devoted to this for much longer than 3 months!  I can do this over and over.

I googled first - and read reviews on it.  I looked at another free sight - but I loved the fact that this sight was coupled with checking in with Kim on a weekly weigh in and measure/ as well as daily as I came in to exercise.

SO you may ask - how is it going?

Well - I have complete two weeks.
I have lost 6 inches and I have lost just over 4 lbs.  I am pumped.
I have come to LOVE the Curves Complete plan - because I can reword my menus for the week. There is "on the go" section which I have taken advantage of since sometimes my life is just that ~ ON THE GO.
I have come to love exercising (which I have done Monday to Friday - daily)
I have come to love cycling (although I am still only doing about 4-6 kms.
(remember I have just re-introduced cruising on my bike - after a 20 year hiatus!)
I have come to love protein shakes, and almonds!
I am enjoying that I am finally on the downswing!!
I had lost weight in 206 when I was so sick and then had surgery.
But gained it back.
SO this weight loss is taking me back into new territory and I am lovin' it!

Curves - the owner/founders are believers in Jesus Christ.  I love that too.
One of the things about Curves Complete plan is that daily, there is a little video clip to watch.
The other day I watched one that was called "Finding the Time" and in the video clip, it was about some important things to do - such as:

• scheduling time for work-outs and meals
• journaling
• prayer
• meditation
• mindfulness

Other points I wrote down were: "Spend Quiet Time in the morning - acknowledging the source that gives you life every day!"

"You deserve that time to nourish your soul!"

"Make time for yourself - you deserve it!"

(I thought that up till that point, they were using inclusive language in case someone did not believe that their "source that gives you life every day" is God) but then, some of the quotes were like this:

"if you commit to it with your schedule and make that time to connect with God to help you manage it - you'll be much ore at peace!"

"You have a source of strength - God - getting you through it.  Rely on Him."

This plan - just resonates with my being!!  I know that it is only with HIS help (his meaning JESUS CHRIST) that I can do this.  All these years of trying - and trying - and just not fully relying on Him to help me change.  I really see some of those mistakes I made - or times when I said I was "trying" but well, you either do or you don't.  I love that God is a focus.  I love that there is an exercise component and a nutrition component and an accountability.  All in all - for 90 days, I have committed to this plan - but I know it will be more than 90 days - because I have so much to lose - but also because well, this has to be a new "habit" - that being a new LIFE STYLE.  With God as my help - I can, and I will.

I truly want to Embrace Life Fully and well, this is all part of embracing it!

One goal I had on top of the others, for this week - was to journal about how I am feeling.  So I am going to do that too - over the next few weeks.  It doesn't really matter whether anyone reads this or not - this is my way of doing things - and well - you, if you are reading, can help me in the "accountability" area of my life!!

Lord God, I give you thanks for loving me - for creating me - for walking alongside of me during this time!  I love you - and want to also honor you with my life style - help me to bring you honor and glory.  I praise you Lord Jesus Christ.  

Sure - I am fitter, I am firmer, I am 10 lbs lighter (but this is just the beginning)

Obviously this blog is not my priority - or so it seems since I did not write how my adventure with F,F, F ended!!  Well - I do love blogging here - and yet, it seems that my life is a little overflowing - and it has become hard to keep up with one blog, let alone three.  ANYHOW ...
Fitter, Firmer, Faster.  What can I say.  It was a love-hate relationship.  I loved the way I felt after a gruelling 1.5 hour work out with the team of 6 women and our trainer!  (6 including myself).
I loved working out with a friend.  I loved hearing Howie say "keep it up - good work" at the points where I felt like stopping.  I loved how I felt/I hate how I felt.  Does that make sense!!  I loved knowing I had finished another class.  I hated how sore I felt the next morning when I got up for the day.
I loved the days I weighed in and lost some weight.  I hated the days that I went up a pound or two.
HOWEVER at the end of it - we were the team that lost the most - and each of us had a weight loss.  I was down 10 lbs.

I am happy about that - but that is really just the beginning in the long road ahead toward a healthier happier, thinner me.  I know I can - I want to - with God as my strength!

The RED team & Howie

Today is Friday.  AND I am doing well.  Sore (I will admit) but well.  Happy.  Glad that last week, in spite of one or two not so good choices (okay, I will admit, I do love my own baking!).... I made it past the 3 week timeframe wherein I usually/quite often/MOST often sabatauge myself.  Not sure what that is all about, but it is my reality.  That is usually where I pack it in.  WHY WHY WHY??
HOWEVER, when I met with Leyla at First Line Therapy we talked about this.  And she said, "you've spoken it out loud.  You are aware of it.  Do not let it conquer you this week!"

Last Saturday I went to the kick-off session at the Wellness (which was NOT an exercise session but a "rah-rah this is your team & this is your trainer" session.  SO then, I got to exercising.

Monday I weighed in with Leyla.  (up .5?? what the heck?)  She said do not let the scale determine your emotions because a scale is just a scale and tells a number - BUT it doesn't say if you are retaining water, or inflamation (which often retains water) or fat losing/muscle turning ...  SO I left determined to make this week count.

Wednesday I went to the first Fitter Firmer Faster session with Howie.  It WAS INTENSE.  There are 6 of us on the RED team.  6 women, which makes it a little more special I think!  We laughed, and moaned throughout the whole session.  At the end we had some measurements taken (poor guy) and we weighed.  I was down on his scale from Saturday weigh in.

It is complicated because I am being weighed in at two places.  HOWEVER I have decided to concentrate on the weigh in's with Leyla, as she is the one monitoring my food plan.  And since I went because of my fibromyalgia and feeling so crumby, I think this is where I have to concentrate.
AND if I am going down in one place - I should be going down on the other scale too.

I went back to the Wellness Institute (WI) yesterday.  It is not as much fun going by yourself, and I was glad that I brought my earbuds.  It makes the machines (bike/eliptical/treadmill) a little better.  I began by doing 6 laps of the track.  I jogged on the straight aways and walked on the corners.
Maybe by the end of 10 weeks I will be jogging all of it.  :)

I woke up this morning and I am sore.  Yesterday I got to spend only 5 minutes in the hottub.  I hummed and hawed about whether it was worth it and determined that even 5 mintues WAS worth it.
I will plan to sit in there longer today when I go this afternoon.

This is a journey - I know it.  I did not put it on overnight (although sometimes it felt like that) and I know it won't come off overnite.  HOWEVER slowly but surely it will come off.  I feel confident this time.  (yes I said that on here before, but somehow this DOES feel different)

SO... each day at a time.  Making wise eating choices.  Making time for me:  exercise being a big component.   I can do it.    Fitter & Firmer is my goal!  (so now I better take this heating pad off and get doing some work!!

SO ... first line and fitter firmer faster meet

Lots has happened.  NO, I have not lost all my weight.  NOR have I lost even 10 lbs!  BUT I have not given up!  (CHEER RESOUNDS)  and I have made it past the 3rd week, where I USUALLY throw all caution to the wind and self-destruct.  YAY ME!!

What is going on?
If you really want to know - here is the latest.

okay, it's NOT me 

Just over 3 weeks ago, I walked myself back into the Center for Natural Medicine (Lorette & Nathaniel) and went to see Leyla, who is the one in charge of First Line Therapy.  I needed to get back onto an anti-inflammatory way of eating.  I weighed in (only up a pound since the last weigh in with her, which was about a year and a half ago).  This was good - since I actually DID go up and down within 8 lbs or so, over that same time frame.

I have been seeing her since - checking in at the clinic for a short talk and weigh in.  She strongly encouraged me to give up dairy for a couple weeks (which I have mostly, except for the very odd thing, like one night I drank a big glass of milk - because I was craving it.)

She encouraged me to also give up red meat.  OKAY, if you know me, you know that I Love, Love, LOVE a good beef tenderloin.  Well, 3 weeks later, I have only had ham at Easter, and that is the extent of the red meat.

She encouraged me to include MORE nuts (almonds are my choice) and to include oils (4 servings) and I have found that I am loving kalamata olives (8 olives = 1 fat)  These are a wonderful snack as they give me the oil and a little bit of a salt fix!

AND ... of course - no white stuff (flour and sugar) as that only INCREASES inflammation, which with my FMS is not a good thing.

She encouraged me to exercise (which I am doing, as Alvin and I have been walking faithfully).
Next week I go again for a BIA (Body Index Analysis) which is so cool.  If you want more info - check Center for Natural Medicine for yourself.  ALL I KNOW IS:  I am feeling less pain (which I know happens when I cut our white sugar and white flour) and I am feeling "cleaner" inside.  I know that sounds dumb, but I don't know how else to describe the way I feel.  OH and I feel happier too!

this isn't me either, but I love the picture

NOW, the next thing I have done - is joined the WELLNESS INSTITUTE for a 10 week course called FITTER FIRMER FASTER.  My friend Betty joined with me.  We are a little bit nervous about how it will all go - but we know people who have done it, done well, loved it, hated it, and signed up a second time!  Oh, and they each lost weight.  How bad can it be?  STAY TUNED!!

The good thing is that I can only get healthier - sure I may not be able to move after the sessions which are 1.5 hours - but I am hoping to shed some pounds, and to get a new attitude toward fitness - and to also get FIT. PERIOD!!

On that note - I think I will sign off.  Part of getting fit - is also going to bed on time, and well, I am WAY PAST my bedtime.  I am surprised I have not turned into a pumpkin!!