excuses... they come very easy, but simply put they are still...EXCUSES

So, it has been over a week since I posted. It seems that after I posted my last post - on the 17th - early on a Sunday morning - life just got overwhelming. (I posted a few times last week on my other blog http://www.thoughtsfromacountrymouse.blogspot.com/)

Thing is - no matter how hard life gets - I still have to take care of myself. I KNOW that... but do I really GET it? Sometimes I wonder. Last week, even when things were hard (just when I thought they couldn't get harder) I still realized that when I chose to eat the chocolate, or when I chose to eat more "white flour" things, or when I chose to not exercise because "well, I just don't feel like it" ... that all of that is just an excuse. I was reminded of this when I read a blog (I was pointed to this blog by my daughter) and Andrea (who has lost tons of weight) talked about excuses that she has heard... no doubt she has heard them all!

Yesterday my life was crazy (yes again) but I decided to go into Curves and take the 40 minutes to get some exercise in. And, I weighed. I did not get in on Friday to weigh, so it was a little more than a week! And, well - I was down .2 lbs. You know - .2 - I will take that! (remember its not about the weight but its not NOT about the weight?)

I still am working on "getting it" so to speak. I am praying that it will become "first nature" to eat things that are good for me - and perhaps think of eating these things BEFORE I choose the bad ones. Lately, we have eaten far too much fast food (it is not good to be moving close to one of our favorite hamburger spots!) Lately I ahve eeaten far too much ice-cream. (Perhaps I should just pick one day a week when I will choose to indulge in this!). I keep thinking that once we move - my life will s-l-o-w down but really - who am I kidding? My life has not been slow in what seems like forever!

I think I want to make some goals for this week... from now till weigh in on Friday.
Here is what I want to do:

• get my water in (and decrease/eliminate the soft drinks that have crept back into my days, even diet pop just has to go!)


• get back onto the no white flour/no sugar way of eating (I am in alot of pain again, and I know it has to do with this!)


• "think and feel" before I eat. Quit eating out of stress... (and seeing as how this week is especially stressful as we do our final days of packing and moving... this is a good time to begin being intentional!)


• giving the day to God first thing in the morning

I heard a song today - and want to share it with you. I hope I got all the words right. It was hard to find, but it is called

"I Can Do All Things" by Sara Folden

When I'm worried
and I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through
And I just don’t know exactly what to do
I feel so helpless
When I'm frightened
and the enemy has bound me with his lies
I’m so scared that all I wanna do is cry
And I remember

I can do all things
I can do all things
Yes, I can do all things
Through Christ who strengthens me

When I’m lonely
And it doesn’t seem like anybody’s there
And I just can’t find someone who really cares
I feel so alone
When I’m overwhelmed
By the problems in my life and I can’t cope
And it doesn’t seem like there is any hope
And I remember

I can do all things
I can do all things
Yes I can do all things
Through Christ who strengthens me

I can do all things
I can do all things
Yes I can do all things
Through Christ who strength

Cause the joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
Through Christ who strengthens me

The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
The joy of the Lord is my strength
Through Christ who strengthens me

I can do all things
I can do all things

changing the "default" setting

Today is Sunday. I am determined to get my butt walking today ... that has been awfully neglected since the packing started. I had a nice bubble bath, and I have a about an hour before I leave for church in Steinbach. So I have decided to post early this morning.

I have been thinking alot, and wanting to become more intentional about getting in touch with what I am thinking/feeling BEFORE I pop food into my mouth. I can't believe how hard that is. It seems that for forever - I have just "eaten" whenever... even when I have been on a "program" I have still just eaten at the "scheduled" times, with the planned amount.

What is it about me that I can talk a long time about "becoming intentional and getting in touch with my self" but somehow it is not happening. Is this just me procrastinating? Of course it is easier to always resort to "default" (eat whatever whenever) but I really want to change. I really feel this is an integral part of looking after what the Word refers to as "the temple of the Holy Spirit". O Lord, I am so sorry that this temple is in disarray!

I read something from the book WOMEN FOOD and GOD by Gineen Roth and it really stuck me! (page 122) "Your body is the piece of the universe you've been given; as long as you have a pulse, it presents you with an ongoing shower of immediate sensate experiences. Red, salt, loneliness, heat. When a friend says something painful to you, your chest aches. When you fall in love, that same chest feels like fireworks and waterfalls and explosions of ecstasy. when you are lonely, your body feels empty. When you are sad, it feels as if thee is a Mack truck sitting on your lungs. Grief feels like tidal waves knocking you down, joy like champagne bubbles welling up in your arms, your legs, your bells. Our minds are like politicians; they make stuff up, they twist the truth. Our minds are masters at blame, but our bodies... our bodies don't lie. Which is, of course, why so many of us learned to zip out of them at the first sign of trouble."

Zipping out... that is the default button in our lives. And I always thought I was working through my emotions but obviously my "working through" them has involved eating, which was my default.

I realize lately just how big this is in my life. I know that God can help me in this ~ that He can bring me into touch with my body - the one that He created. The one that He knows all about. Psalm 139 which is one of my favorite Scriptures, talks about how he knows when I sit, when I lay down, when I rise. He has "hemmed me in" and knows my thoughts. The thing is God still gives me free will - and choice... and look what I have done with that! I need to give that over to God, and let Him change me again and again and again, and bring this temple of the Holy Spirit into good repair!

It sounds like work. Perhaps that is why I keep talking about it, but not doing anything intentional. But I know that I am not too old to change, and with God's help I can. He wants me to be emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually whole. God is my strength!

I want to leave you this morning, with my favorite Psalm.

Psalm 139 (The Message)
A David Psalm

1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand.
I'm an open book to you;
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
I'm never out of your sight.
You know everything I'm going to say
before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you're there,
then up ahead and you're there, too—
your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
I can't take it all in!

7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you're there!
If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings
to the far western horizon,
You'd find me in a minute—
you're already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
At night I'm immersed in the light!"
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you;
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you.

13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!
I couldn't even begin to count them—
any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
all the men and women who belittle you, God,
infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
Your enemies are my enemies!

23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

lie, deny and look surprised! (heck, I could even try to justify it!)

I am sitting at my favorite coffee shop - Mountain Bean. I have just worked out, showered and dressed. I am killing some time before I am off to a funeral. I love this place because Internet is FAST compared to my dial-up (which soon will be history when we move!) (big cheers!!)

The title of this post "lie, deny and look surprised!" is a saying that Alvin and I have used jokingly. NOT that I feel that LYING or DENYING anything is ever a good thing! But I had to think of this saying ... let me tell you why.

I weighed in! (that is a good thing) BUT what I saw was NOT a good thing. Week 1 I was down 1.4 lbs. Week 2 I am UP 1 lb. You heard it right. UP A POUND. (insert a sad face here!) That is where I thought of the saying "lie, deny and look surprised" because my initial thought was "really?" (stepped off, stepped on just to confirm I was seeing right) "I AM UP!" "Can't believe it!"

And then, my next thought (sorry to say) is HOW DO I SAY THIS ON MY BLOG? Especially if one of my values is transparency, authenticity, honesty. I am not stupid - I realized that I had "options" and one of them was just to "forget" to post my weigh-in weight. The second option could be to "delete" the little blog ticker all together. The third option (and the one I have obviously chosen because of my values) is: facing the music. Saying it for what it is... yes, dear readers, I have gained a pound! Now the "old" me really wants to JUSTIFY why exactly I think I gained it... (perhaps it was the breakfast I ate before leaving home or the coffee I drank prior to getting to Curves. REGARDLESS... I am up. 1 LB is NOT life or death (so why does it make me feel so stinking mad!)

I really want to continue to learn to live in grace, not legalism, in regards to my weight journey. (and boy can losing weight become legalistic, believe you me!!) I really want to focus on WHO I am, not who the scale says I am. I do NOT want to make the scale my god, and do not want it to rule my life but feel that weekly weigh-ins are realistic and they are an indicator of how things are going within my body. (gotta find that balance here again) I have been so overly consumed by the whole weight issues most of my life. Sad, but true.

I really want to quit believing the lies that the devil uses to get me defeated, down, thinking I m a "loser/failure" etc... you've heard all this before I know it! (man, he loves getting a little crack in the opening of that door!)

So - I want to speak truth loud and clear! Today is a new day. Thank you Lord for a fresh day and another new day to live fully for you! Thank you Lord that I am so loved, so beautiful, so precious in your eyes, help me to believe it and live in that love! Thank you Lord that I can move and exercise - help me to do more of this. Thank-you Lord for the privilege of being able to buy groceries, and to make good food and to enjoy it. Help me Lord, to embrace life fully... to stay in touch with how I feel and what my body needs and to fuel it with good choices .

Thank you Lord that next week - is another weigh in (Lord willing) with new possibilities!! Now that in itself is grace!

accountability

I just finished talking to my friend Elizabeth. Elizabeth and I met through "lose it for life" a christian weight loss program, back in November of 2007 - I can't remember who wrote the post first, but none-the-less we connected via the "board" on that ministry site, and then began to email. Elizabeth and I are so similar, we just always laugh and continue to be amazed at how God takes two people and makes them friends - and has them share many of the same similarities. For instance - we both are in ministry. (Hers is paid, mine at this time is not) We are similar age, and have each given birth to two children. Zephaniah 3:17 (I just found out) is one of her favorite verses too. And, get this... when I did the 52 things about myself (on my birthday) we laughed when she told me that she had been a cheerleader too!!


The thing that brings us together on the phone as well - is the fact that we are both travelling along the weight journey! We decided a while ago to become accountability partners. I have the phone plan to the states, and she has the unlimited cell phone minutes. HOWEVER I am not the most reliable caller!! But we also encourage one another through email, and Facebook as well. (I just realized that when we move and use our cell phones only, I may have to look into SKYPE)


Where am I going with this?

Well - we just talked, and as we always do - we ended with prayer for one another. There is something very very sweet about being in the presence of the Almighty even though we (her and I) are on the phone and miles apart. We just sense the Lord within our midst! I realize (whenever I get off the phone) how much I love having someone that holds me accountable. It is different than a family member. (Poor Alvin - I ask him to keep me accountable and then IF he asks, I sometimes get defensive!!)


Tonight I shared with Elizabeth - that lately I have been so busy with packing, running errands, etc HOWEVER my eating hasn't been too bad. I said I want to increase the veggies and the legumes. I always feel better when I eat more of those groups. I also asked her to pray on my behalf, that I would be more intentional about thinking before I eat - and noticing WHY I am eating, and if I am HUNGRY or what I am feeling, and to stop eating when I am satisfied.


Years ago, when I did the WEIGH DOWN program, it felt like it became second nature to eat only when hungry and stop when satisfied. But somewhere over the past 11 years, I have lost touch with that part!! Now, my tendency would be just... to eat.

Tired? Eat.

Happy? Eat.

Sad? Eat.

Mad? Eat

Bored? you guessed it... EAT.


Yep I pretty much have worked with the assumption that eating is the answer to almost anything. Thing is - I don't really even think about it. It has somehow just become my "default" button. I don't like that. And I really don't think the answer to everything is stuffing my face!

I realize that with the Lord's help - I am making headway. I am not "defaulting" as often.

But, I want to have it happen more often than not. I want to be more intentional about also being in tune with myself - what I am feeling... what I am thinking...what I am wanting and why. I realize that lately my exercise is lacking. I have not run. I have not walked lately. I HAVE gone to curves though (that is good!). I changed the exercise minutes goal back to 240 instead of the running total, as I was so far behind it was depressing! I don't need anything to make me feel like a loser. I quite easily fall into that trap on my own!

I also realize that I am making better choices. For instance I baked this morning - chocolate chip cookies - our fav recipe. Ordinarily (I shared this with Elizabeth) I would have eaten half the dough before I baked the other half! (okay maybe not half) However, this morning - I did not do that! I think I took 2 tastes. Just 2. That is a great improvement. YAY ME!!


It is hard. It is a journey. I want to claim victory in this, and I know that with God I can in 2010! That is my decision - to take it one step at a time. I have tried all kinds of quick loss plans, and have been temporarily successful. But - I need to change my heart - my attitude - my way of thinking - and change my "default" button!


I appreciated my phone call and prayer time with Elizabeth... she is a gift to me.
She is a friend. A companion along this weight journey. She listens, she shares, she prays.
And I ~ I am thankful!

it doesn't feel so good eating past satisfied!

Yesterday was a "in the city all day" type of day. Curves was at the beginning, and meeting friends for supper and then ice-cream was the grand finale!

So, as we travelled the short distance from Gaffers, Lockport to Half-Moon for ice-cream, I was telling myself (in my head) "no, you are satisfied - and you are going to go in, but you are not going to order ice-cream". Okay, you have to know, that H.M. is my favorite ice-cream place. My favorite flavor? Peanutbutter and Chocolate! (always a great combo!)

We got in the l-o-n-g lineup and as we inched forward I was pretty confident that "no, none for me" was my decision. So then, Alvin got his "hazelnut Irish cream frozen yogurt" and our friends ordered theirs, and then I ordered mine. Yep you heard it right... a small hazelnut Irish cream frozen yogurt please.

So I ate it - the WHOLE thing. And I sat on my way home with extreme "buyer's remorse" over my decision because I had eaten past satisfied, and honestly, I felt yucky to boot!

Why did I do that? Hm.. the million dollar question. Why have I done that most of my life?
Another million dollar question. I really want that to be the last time I do that... really.

I know, today is a new day. A fresh start. It began with coffee in the gazebo and then a walk with my man. Felt good to walk. Something in me says, get running again now that my knees feel better. I just gotta eat within hungry and satisfied and get moving these legs! That is the answer!

It sounds so easy... guess I should adopt Nike's slogan and Just Do It!

First time out of the house all week!

I am at my favorite coffee place ... Mountain Bean. This is truly the first time out of my house this week! I have been packing like a mad woman... that has literally been the only exercise for me except for 2 days - where I actually intentionally did something. I guess I could feel bad ~ especially when I look at my exerciser ticker - which is supposed to help keep me motivated. I look and see that the week goes till end of next Monday AND I am already two weeks behind! I could do one of two things. 1) just let that in itself be a motivator to get my butt in gear more often or 2) take the "weekly goal" part off the ticker and just leave it as the big number of minutes to exercise. I opt for the first one! Otherwise I would really just be trying to cover something up! (the fact that I have not been exercising and in this case it is not the thought that counts!)

So - up early for my day out! The packing is not happening today. It feels wonderful!
I dropped Alvin off and proceeded on to Curves for a work-out and shower! Ah, so good! I love it there! I can hardly wait until I am living closer. Somehow right now driving in purely for a curves work-out isn't something I am doing - but living on Henderson will be much more convenient!!

So - I had wanted to weigh in on Tuesday past - but as I said I was not at Curves. At home I do own a scale which all my family weighs on. (It has sat under the big bench at the front door for years!) But it is not digital and doesn't do the "point something" of a pound. So... today I weighed.... and I was DOWN!!! I was down 1.4 lbs to be exact. So, I am very thankful.

I know that the scale isn't everything. I also know that the scale can become a "god" if we let it. I also know that it is how we "feel" that means everything - but baby, I am so glad for every single point of a pound I can lose! I am 1.4 lbs closer to my first goal of 20 (20.2) lbs.

YES

got the walking shoes on again (finally!)

So yesterday - amidst the packing, I took time out to "walk" (not run) on the treadmill. I logged 33 minutes. That was at least something. My "exercise" is lacking alot these days! I am behind in the minutes that I want to log per week. It always happens that way - my life gets stressed and the first thing to go down the toilet (so to speak) is my exercise! AND I was wanting to weigh in at Curves, and due to the packing up - will not likely get in there until Friday. So, the first weigh in will be overdue!!

However - I am doing well in the eating (or not over eating) department! I did realize however that I am missing out on my nuts/seeds and legumes. I had actually really come to enjoy those. So - I am hoping to get those in daily again... and keep plugging along.

With the intensity of these months ahead during our build - the one thing we are looking forward to (as a family) is to go some place wonderful and exotic in October. And well - you know what that means (insert the music from "Jaws" here)... it means "bathing suit time".

Oh, not a good thought right now - but with each day - it is getting better. This trip, I want to buy myself a nice new bathing suit! So, on with the hard work... on with getting my butt in gear literally to shape up. And, even though I am behind in the minutes - I will keep plugging on! The minutes I want to log are up until the week we go away! (and Lord willing, I can catch up with the ones I am lagging behind in!)

And today I want to make sure to make good healthy eating choices!

These are the things I want to do for myself:

1. start the day off with my QT with the Lord. Commit the day to Him right off the hop.
2. eat when hungry
3. eat sitting down in a calm environment
4. eat without distractions so that I am aware of what I am eating, and how it tastes
5. eat only until satisfied (even if it means leaving something on my plate)
6. drink my water
7. weigh no more than once per week (usually on Tuesdays)
8. plan exercise into my day (240 minutes per week is my goal)

So - here's to today!!