The first Goal - November

Yep, its me.... still struggling in the whole "w" department. Still not entirely getting WHY I am in the struggle of my life. Literally it has been a struggle almost ALL my life, or at least since early adulthood. In high school - I thought I was "okay" and the thing is, I felt okay. Sure I wasn't the thinnest, but I was not the chunkiest either. I just celebrated my 32 anniversary. The year I got married, I went from 150 to 124 from January to September. Once I got married, I then regained some weight and hovered at about 140. When I got pregnant with Josh, I was 142. I went up to 190 during that time. The old "eating for 2" was the theme those days when you were pregnant. I was not sick at all - and had a good appetite always. Then I lost some, but when I got pregnant with Ashley, I was about 165.

Now, the thought of being down to even that - seems a long way off. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get "healthy" again, which to me, means "losing weight" (a lot of weight)
This whole weight loss thing has truly become my "thing" for all these years. I have wept over it...gotten mad over it... been "on the wagon" and "off the wagon" many times over it.
It remains a "stronghold" and I honestly think that it is a spiritual stronghold. It occupies my thoughts except for when I am asleep. If I could just wave a big wand - the picture that I would want to be is very different. It would be of a woman my age, in jeans that are about a size 12. Heck, even a 14 would work!

The other day I wondered aloud in my blog, what it is that has me held hostage... why I struggle...why I can't just let it go...why it is such a STRONGHOLD! I know that the other day my son urged me to just live life... not to worry about my weight. He said "you look good mom like you are. You should just not worry, unless it is about your health." To which I replied it was about my health. About my shortness of breath when I carry anything up the steps...about the feeling of fullness when I sit and my bra presses into my ribs...about looking in the mirror and truly seeing too much weight on a medium frame. It IS about my health, about the pain in my lower back and hips. About the stiffness from my fibromyalgia, but feeling that it is also pain and stiffness in regards to extra weight on my joints. It is about my health. I want to live long enough to see my grandchildren grow up.

So, why is it that each day starts right, and then somehow detours when something delicious comes along. Why is it in my thoughts, that delicious=fattening, calorie filled, bad for you foods?
Why am I the one that loves donuts, cake, cookies, fresh white bread, etc...

I am doing the candida purge, and still have these sugar cravings. I know the purge really starts working at about 3 weeks, and so I am only a week and a half into it. I also know from having my blood live-tested in the past that I do have a lot of yeast in my system. (that was an amazing thing to see my blood live-tested)

Anyhow - I have to keep thinking through this. It is not about the weight, but it is not NOT about the weight. You've heard that before on this blog. I am still NOT getting it... but WANTING to get it. I want to live in the moment, but not in excessive eating! I want to enjoy all of life including feeling well enough to get down and play on the floor with my grandson!
I also need to put discipline back into my life. Not in a "legalistic" way - but in the way that I schedule in ALL the important things to do like: (not in any particular order) go for a walk, work out at curves, have my quiet time with the Lord, spend time in daily mediation (with the Lord), spend time with family, work on writing my book, etc

I do not want to be blogging about being held in my stronghold any longer. I want to instead, talk about how God is helping me break the stronghold!! Like I said, I think it is spiritual. WHY?
because it occupies so much of my time, and whatever we give our time to becomes our god...
(god, with a small g!) I know that God wants me to lay this down and to not keep picking it back up or focusing on it...

Somehow, I just have to keep dying to self.... and letting HIM be my strength in all areas of my life - and especially in this one! O Lord, help me!

My most pressing short-term goal has now been set. The beginning of November we are going with our family on a vacation. One that includes sand, ocean, hot sun. That means bathing suits!
I really want a new one!!

So enough with the LOOKING BACKWARD!! Here I go. Today is a new day. Lord, help me walk through this day with grace! Help me not to be bound by legalism in anything... especially not in this struggle with weight! May you O Lord, be my strength. Help me to lay down this burden once and for all. To live in the now, with my eyes on the future when you Lord, one day will call my name and give me the most beautiful body! In the meantime, help me to live fully for you. To serve you. To get this temple of the Holy Spirit into better shape - for my health!
Thank you Lord.

finally - the chance to post

I just realize that it has been a week and a day since I posted last. So, I want to do a quick update - to let you know the happenings of the last week.

I returned to the Center for Natural Medicine - to see Leyla about the First Line Therapy program... a "way of eating for life" as she puts it. I walked in there, after MONTHS of not going. In the meantime, I had talked myself in and out of several days worth of eating/changing my eating/throwing it all to the wind (you know what I mean?) As usual, Leyla said hi, but this time she gave me a big hug. She seemed to be as glad to see me, as I was to see her. And then the question - "so how are you?"

How am I? LOADED question. Do I tell her about how my mom (in-law) is in the hospital and has been close to death twice in the same number of weeks, and how I am spending hours there with her. Or, perhaps I bring her up to date on how we sold our house, and now we are living in our kids loft for a few months, and how the building is going. Or, perhaps I talk to her about the emotional stuff that surrounded our move. Or, do I continue to chat with her about the emotional stuff that will always be mine, in regards to losing my little grandson Jay.
Then, there is the emotional stuff around whether to get a job or not. And on and on and on it goes. We talked. I had a half hour appointment, and used every minute plus a few more when she realized I wanted my BIA done (body index assessment? I am hooked up to something that reads what is happening inside - body fat/muscle/water inter cellular and also extracellular....)
The good news was that I was up just slightly from the last time I saw her which was months ago. (I am not going to readjust my little "weight loss tool" to go with my appointments with her, verses my weigh in at Curves.

I shared with her how I felt like my sugar cravings were totally out of whack. Could be the whole yeast thing, which HAS been my issue before. I also shared that i felt that this weird coughing that I have had for the past 4 years, is related to wheat, so I knew that my coughing/asthmatic systems had increased, but I had been into the white flour again.
So, Leyla suggested a Candida Purge, which I take every morning... and should begin to feel better in another couple weeks.

SO I walked out of there feeling encouraged again. I would really like to say that I can do it on my own - but the reality is, I am so weak. I like knowing the "life giving foods" that I should eat - and finding recipes with them in. I am learning to be a bit more adventurous in my cooking.
I walked out of there determined to get some exercise back into my routine. One thing Leyla said, which is the same thing my dear man said to me "Joy, you have to start taking care of yourself - because if something happens to you, then you won't be able to keep caring for anyone anymore... YOU have to make yourself a priority!" (ya, at this point in life - easier said than done)

Anyhow - I have been doing first line again, trying to make it a life style as it is NOT a diet but a way of life... bottom line - it is healthy eating, cutting out the white poisons: sugar and flour, and really watching the salt!! It is also about figuring out how to handle stress... and about putting exercise into my life! (Hmm, so how DO I handle my stress other than with chocolate!) And, well - back to the 240 minutes per week! I think I am already lagging behind :(

So... here we go again.
I still need to work on what it is that is holding me captive...
Perhaps I just don't want to really know because THEN I have to make a choice to deal with it - and to break the hold with the power of God! He is my strength, but somehow I keep wanting to do it in my OWN strength... O Lord, I need you.

at a standstill ... again

I am feeling a little bit like a loser today. I decided to do a "fast" that I got from the naturapath's office. Went most of the day - took the stuff I also picked up from the Health Food store - and right in the late afternoon, was feeling very very "loopy" .... not sure how else to describe it. So, I decided today was not the day to start this fast.

The last week and a half has been no routine, no discipline but lots of stress with mom k in the hospital and daily trips there - with hours spent at a time sitting beside her hospital bed. Why is it that when stuff happens, especially when it is emotionally involved, the first thing that goes out the window is exercise and eating healthy.

Enough said... you can figure out for yourself where I am these days.

The thing is, I honestly feel so crappy (for lack of a better word) and for that reason in itself, I WANT to get back on track. Why is this so hard? What haven't I let go of? What is the stronghold all about? Will I EVER be free from this stronghold? Why am I my own worst enemy?

I do what I don't want to do (ie the bag full of popcorn I consumed at the movie - willingly and intentionally). I can always think about all this and make sense of it - but somehow taking it and making it my life has been the struggle. God knows all about this. O Lord... change me. From the inside out. Starting right NOW.

(I would actually like to just delete this blogspot... but that would just be burying my head in the sand wouldn't it!) I am so human.... O Lord, please change ME.

Week 6 ~ Tuesday Morning Weigh-In

Today when I went to Curves bright and early - I first of all stepped on the scale. Remember I had decided at the beginning of this blogged journey... to always weigh at Curves because it weighs digitally verses the old fashioned (but dependable) scale I have always used at home. So this morning before my morning workout, I stepped on the scale and was down (I thought it was .2 but when I check last week - it is .4) which brings me to 4 lbs. Now, this is slow and steady but hey - doesn't "slow and steady win the race!!?" (Tortoise and the Hare story)

I have to thank God for a number of things - but really, for the fact that while I am trying to regain some semblance of normality and routine in my life again ... I have actually NOT been craving things like chocolate. You have to understand, chocolate and I have this long-time relationship. It is a love-hate relationship, but a relationship none the less! And lately, I have not even wanted to buy chocolate bars. I am really thankful to God for this... because it is only because of Him. (In my weakness, He is my strength!!!)

I figure that even though I DID eat rollkuchen last night with my watermelon - that I did not pig out, and used moderation. I also figure that running up and down these steep stairs in the loft MANY times a day - that is helping me. I worked out at Curves and I am thankful that the exercise helps this "rusted tin man's body" feel a little more like moving.

I am thankful... for every "point whatever" of a pound that shows up as a loss on the scale. I am also thankful that God is doing a work in my life with this food related stronghold. It reminds me of a song that we used to sing at camp... it was called Little by Little (I think!)

"Little by little every day

little by little in every way

Jesus is changing me

He's changing me

Since I've made a turn-about face

I've been living by his grace

Jesus is changing me.

He's changing me

my blessed Saviour

I'm not the same person that I used to be

Sometimes its slow going

but there's hope knowing

that one day -

perfect I will be."

(I think those were the words.... Jean, if you are reading this - you will know if I am accurate or not!) I thank God for the songs he places in my heart just when I need them. He is changing me from the inside out... thank you Lord. (when I am home in heaven - only then will I be perfect!) Till then, I will carry on with this journey (even if it is only at a snail's pace) and try to remember that He does ReJoIcE over me!!

random thoughts about food.....

questions crowd my thoughts at times

like why do i always turn to food when needing comfort

and why do family gatherings always focus around food

why do potato chips taste so good - is it the salt or the simulated flavor

how do some people stop at one bite of chocolate

sometimes i have trouble stopping at one chocolate BAR

why do carrots always taste better with dip

and why does a marshmallow taste so much better roasted

why does sugar on a peanut butter and banana sandwich add the finishing touch

and Perrier water provides the fizz i need once in a while

how do they get caramel in the caramilk bar

and why don't m&m's melt in your hand?

why do i crave beef so much

and why do i hate making my own green salads?

why don't i crave vegetables

and want to avoid chocolate, or sweet breads, or wine

why do i turn to something sweet, or salty
when bored or lonely or needing comfort.....

instead of something colorful, fresh and crunchy, like veggies

how much water is enough

why is toast so much better with melted butter on it

who measures how big a scoop is, or a swirl of ice cream in a twist cone at half-moon?

why do i have a hard time getting my veggies in

but struggle with limiting the calorie laden stuff

who invented chocolate?

what did they look like.

who figured out that coffee tastes better with cream

it has to be bold and black, or bold with cream

milk will not do!

why do i crave what i should not have

(who makes up those rules anyhow ~ isn't a calorie a calorie?)

and avoid that which I should eat

why is it such a pain to prepare veggies for snacking

and yet making cookies is worth the time when snacking later

why can i eat the same thing as my skinny counterpart

and i put on the pounds for both of us?

life is just not fair

i need to choose to "eat to live" not "live to eat"

better now than never...

and on it goes, thoughts and all.

(now where are those carrots?)

Week 5 weigh in (if that is the right week?)

Okay.
I began this blog on June 26
And I weighed that day I believe
Since then, my weigh-in days have changed SO... I want a restart!

Right now, I have lost 3.6 lbs in the last month.
But my weighin weeks have been messy...
So I am going to call it week 5 weigh in (yesterday)

I have to say, I was shocked...
perhaps God just wanted to encourage me to get going...
Thank you Lord - help me to keep putting one step ahead of the other, and to handle life with things other than food!

the least of my worries...yet the most of my worries

How can it be - that during the most stressful times in my life - all efforts to eat well, to exercise, to be intentional about when/what/why I eat - all of it ~ gets thrown out the proverbial window. WHY?

It is August 2nd. I have moved. Now, I have no excuse. The pain that I wake up with, and live with through the day, and go to sleep with ~ that pain ~ I KNOW would change if I lost weight and eliminated the white flour and white sugar. So WHAT don't I get.

Why chowing down on Tylenol Arthritis ~ I could be chowing down on what is life giving to me - which is eating non-white things. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, I know that.

Tomorrow I plan to get to curves, and to get myself going again. Now the move is over - there are no more moving excuses. (hmm, what about unpacking and setting up in the "loft" and figuring our how to put our stuff into a much smaller area?)

On the good side - today I did walk... it was hot. Every step was painful. At one point (45 minutes into my walk) I was not sure IF I would make it back to the loft. (I did). I walked for one hour. (to the tracks and back - not sure how far it is - maybe I will measure it tomorrow)

I do that which I don't want to do... Paul (in the Bible) said something to that effect...

I need to feast on the Word of God - it seems that has been lacking over the past week too.

I have no excuses now - really - but every reason instead to get healthy. I want to be able to get down on the carpet to hang out with my grandson Everett. (right now, that takes alot of work to get down!)

So - here I go. Lord, God I know that in my weakness, YOU are my strength. Thank you Lord for not giving up on me!